life {unabridged}

Happy 2nd Gotcha Day Jane!!

2012-01-05T06:47:00.001-08:00

‎2 years ago today, I held my sweet Jane girl for the first time. This sweet baby who was not supposed to live but a few months, who was declared unadoptable, who I thought would never ever come home....God moved mountains on her behalf & what was impossible with man was not impossible for our God. Today she kissed me & squeezed me and told me she loved me. This miracle baby has made me love Jesus more, and I am so glad she is mine! Happy Gotcha Day Jane Leilet Setliffe...you are forever my miracle baby!

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one year

2012-01-01T17:46:00.000-08:00

One year ago today, at 7:45am, Jesus called my Mama home.

Home.

That was the word she said over & over during the last 45 minutes of her life. With each breath out she said that word, and it still rings so loudly in my heart. She is home. She is healed. She is whole. She is experiencing fullness of joy & pleasures forever more. She is in the arms of her Savior.

Laura Ingalls Wilder once said, "Home is the nicest word there is." I love that, and I stand in full agreement of that. Is there any word that stirs up more feelings of love, comfort and safety than the word home?

Home.

I think that is where the sadness & sorrow sting the most....when I remember what home felt like with my Mom there. The absence of her makes it feel, well, not the same. There is still so much there to love & to cherish....no doubt about that truth. But when the connotation of home changes, there is this feeling within that the stitching around your heart is coming undone.

Again today, I am reminded that this world is NOT my HOME. This life hurts--there is sadness and pain, brokenness & longing. We were not made for this place. We are sojourners--journeying towards our true home. One day we will reach the shores of heaven & all will be set to right. Home will be a place that never fades, never changes, always satisfies. Our temporary home here on earth will never satisfy--it wasn't made to. There will always be too many good-byes while we walk this earth. I am so thankful that heaven will only be full of hello's.

Maranatha Lord Jesus--come quickly! The song on my lips and the cry of my heart is COME Lord, carry us HOME. Take this world...give me Jesus. You are enough--you are all I want. In you is my Home.

Today I will celebrate the life of my Mama. I will cry. I will think fondly on sweet memories. My heart will ache. I will probably laugh at funny stories. I will honor her. But most of all, I will pray God's Kingdom come, His will be done--on earth, as it is in heaven. Come Lord--carry us HOME.

Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.

(The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis)

Frustration

2011-12-01T19:44:00.000-08:00

I have started writing this post 3 times now. I keep getting the first paragraph done & then erasing it. Seems fitting for the week that I've had. I'm in a funk. I feel restless...so tired, but so unable to rest. It's been a hard Mommy week for me on both sides of the coin. I feel like I have totally blown it as a Mom in the last few days. As a result, it is making me miss my Mom so much I feel like I can't even take a breath b/c my heart just feels too heavy laden.

I want my kids to love Jesus. I want them to love each other. I want them to have a heart for the things God has a heart for. I want them to be servant minded & to learn what it means to put others before themselves. That is the big picture.

The small December picture also includes wanting my kids to know in their souls that Christmas is all about Jesus. I want them to run from materialism. I want them to find joy in giving. I want them to know the true story of the first Christmas & how unbelievable it is that the Word became flesh & dwelt among us.

I have this idea of Christmas time in my head that looks like this: my family tucked into our cozy peaceful home every evening in December. I see us cuddling on the couch with the Bible, with Matt teaching our kids the Christmas story. I see us turning off the tv. I see us engaging each other & loving each other well. I see a quiet in our souls as we await our coming Savior. I see us spending our time, money, effort on giving to those who have nothing. I see my kids serving the least of these. I see the light going off in their heads that it really is so much more joy-filled to give away than to take & hoard.

But this is what my reality looks like today: Waking up late. Running out of time to read my Bible. Being in a bad mood before the sun is up. Rushing my kids around to be on time for school (get dressed, run brush your teeth, do you have your lunch box, why haven't you put your socks on, shove that banana in your mouth, I'm sorry you're not hungry--you need good nutrition, grab your back pack, run run run to the car!) Kids who fight with each other 99.9% of the time. Christmas lists full of toys we don't need. No interest in our Jesse Tree and our time of daily family worship. Too much homework (she's in kindergarten for crying out loud!) Fast food. Noise. Tv. More fighting. All four of us going in different directions.

I've just had these moments this week where I feel like I'm totally failing at all of this. I feel like I'm losing precious moments to pour into my kids. I feel defeated. I feel deflated. I feel exhausted and restless. Frustrated with myself for my lack of patience. I just feel so blah.

I just read on another blog that Frustration is when our expectations don't match our reality. That one just knocked me over like a ton of bricks. That is exactly where I'm dwelling this week. You see--my expectations--the way I feel all this should be going is just not my reality today. So what do you do when that happens? I usually just mope, or get more frustrated or sit & cry. But this morning I went to Jesus & I asked Him to show me something good that is coming out of all this effort & present chaos. I asked Him to just give me a glimpse of how He is building my kids into something beautiful. And you know what? He did just that.

Ava held my hand & asked me "If Christmas is all about love and Jesus' love for us, then why don't we just give people love for Christmas instead of presents?"

And Jane...sweet Jane that is usually a hot mess became a cuddle bug today. I watched her snuggle up to her Daddy and tuck herself into his shoulder. I saw her kiss his cheek and hug him til he almost popped.

I saw my girls kiss each other before school. I heard Ava asking questions about the mean snake in the garden that lied to Adam & Eve (our Bible story today).

I saw some fruit. In the midst of craziness & failure & unmet expectations, I saw a small piece of fruit. Somedays I get so close up to the chaos that I forget that God is weaving something beautiful in my life--and in my children's. The messy reality is building something grand.

Oh Father, please help me to step back & really SEE that You are doing something bigger. Thank you for grace & the way that You lavish it on me, even when I blow it. Thank you for being patient with me in my failures. Thank you for teaching me how to mother my kids. Thank you for being my comfort when grief overpowers. Thank you for holding my kids & for loving them way more than I ever could. Thank you for being enough. Remind me again tomorrow (because there is a high chance I will forget again). I am so glad that you have a bottle of new mercies that you are preparing to pour on me tomorrow morning. Hold my moments & my days. Bind my wandering heart to Thee. I love you so much Abba.

In This Moment

2011-11-26T17:59:00.000-08:00

Coldplay on spotify

Twinkly lights on the tree

Coffee brewing

Jammies on

Husband working at the table behind me

Babies snoozing

Thinking about "And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us"

Resting on a pillow with French words written across it

Washing machine humming

A picture of Mama close by so I can remember her smile

Toys EVERYWHERE

Stomach craving peppermint ice cream (but none in the freezer)

Dreaming of Ethiopia

Making a mental packing list for Scotland

Silk blanket coziness

The sound of the ocean over the baby monitor

Nostalgic memories dancing through my mind

Thoughts of heaven

Preparation for Advent in front of me

A Father. A Mother. A star. A sheep. A king. A shepherd. A tiny baby that rescued me. GRACE.

I Can't Stop Thinking About This

2011-11-16T10:36:00.000-08:00

"What is wrong with my family?"

I AM.

Go read this post. I can't stop thinking about it---God change my heart!

One Thousand Gifts

2011-11-09T13:00:00.001-08:00

A while ago I started reading Ann Vaskomp's book One Thousand Gifts and although I haven't had much time to read lately, the theme of the book has stirred something in me. I've seen other bloggers begin lists of their own thousand gifts, and it has really touched me. You see, my heart has been broken for months and months now & sometimes I'm failing to see what is beautiful in my life. I want to be a daughter of God with a grateful heart. I want to be a wife with a grateful heart. I want to be a mommy, a friend, a missionary with a grateful heart. Lately I've felt like my joy is slipping away. I kind of feel like my whole life was flipped upside down and everything is draining out. I don't want that to be my story. Once there was a girl who walked through sorrow. She lost her joy. Her heart was bound by sorrow. There was pain on her face.

That just seems so tragic. But it feels like it has become truth in me. My heart just aches. A lot. But I'm learning that I have a choice to make. I can sit down right here under this tree of sorrow and watch the world dance by. I could lay a blanket of grief and lay down in defeat.

Oh, but something in the wind is stirring my soul to awaken.

Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me,
for in you I take refuge.
I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings
until the disaster has passed.

I cry out to God Most High,
to God, who vindicates me.
He sends from heaven and saves me...

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
let your glory be over all the earth...

My heart, O God, is steadfast,
my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and make music.
Awake, my soul!
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.

I will praise you, Lord, among the nations;
I will sing of you among the peoples.
For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
let your glory be over all the earth.
(Psalm 57)

Awake my soul....do not lay down in death. Choose life. Choose joy. Choose hope. Choose contentment. Choose thankfulness.

And so...here begins my list of 1000 small joys that breathe life into my soul:

1. A patient Father who tenderly comforts me
2. Shadows that dance on my walls in the late afternoon
3. Hugs in the morning from my man
4. Tiny voices that call me Mommy
5. Coffee breaks in the afternoon
6. Eyelashes on little princesses
7. Quiet moments with my Prince of Peace
8. Handwritten notes
9. Tacos
10. Sitting under a big blanket remembering beautiful memories

I'm Still Here

2011-10-24T06:05:00.001-07:00

I know it probably seems like I've fallen off the bloggy bandwagon again, but I promise I haven't! I'm teaching a workshop at a widow's conference at our church this week & my head is spinning with all that I need to finish before this weekend. So I'm here, just super busy with life this week! Please be praying for me as I teaching about seasons of wandering in the desert & how we can find God who is our joy in our darkest & driest moments. I'm really excited about it, but definitely a bit nervous! Thank you for praying. For now--enjoy my newest picture of the girls & I...definitely a treasure for me. It is rare that I get in front of the camera--I much prefer to hide behind it :) Enjoy your Monday! See you soon!

6 Months in Pictures

2011-10-10T10:41:00.000-07:00

**These pictures loaded backwards, so they start with the most recent and go back. Sorry!!

Matt in Haiti
Ava loses her first tooth!

Ava starts soccer (good preparation for living in Scotland!!)

Jane & PawPaw at Grandparents Day at her school

Ava starts kindergarten!

A budding artist is born :)

Daddy & his little ladies

Jane Bug

Ava & her new favorite pose...where does she learn this stuff??

Beignets in New Orleans @ Cafe DuMonde....YUM!!

A trip to the zoo with my Mama's family in Louisiana...here's Jane with my Aunt Catherine (Mom's sister)

Zoo fun!

Cutie pie cousins in New Orleans

The Drama Queen

The Diva

Flower Girling...Ava's steady day job :)

Silliness!

Happy Birthday Matt! You look so pretty!

Blueberry picking at the fabulous Moody Blues Farm

Look who got her nose pierced while her husband was in Ethiopia :)

Wee lassies on the streets of Glasgow, Scotland

Touring the beautiful Sterling Castle (William Wallace fought to defend this castle)

Muddy boots after a country walk

Kite flying at dusk

Mi familia

Magic at Pollock Park

Happy Resurrection Day!

Oranges from our backyard...we harvested a whopping 7 oranges!!

My Dad, sister & I at the beach

Dancing at an authentic Scottish Céilidh on our first trip to Scotland

(and laughing so hard at ourselves!)

Me, my man & our castle

My best friend Erin & I outside the Elephant House in Edinburgh--the little coffee shop where J.K. Rowling started writing the wonderful Harry Potter series. We were FREAKING OUT!!! (There is a really cool video interview with J.K. at the Elephant House on that website...you fans out there should check it out :)

Inside the beautiful Glasgow Cathedral

The streets of Edinburgh...so lovely!

Let's Just be Real

2011-10-06T19:09:00.000-07:00

Not going to lie. I'm having a hard time jumping back in to this blog. I don't really know what to say--this has been such a hard year for me. I feel so different than the person I was a year ago. My heart aches every day for my Mom. The pain is not as raw & all consuming as it was 9 months ago, but it is still very fresh. There is a deep rooted sorrow in my heart that is always present now--sometimes it takes front & center in my days, other days it's just like a shadow behind me. But it is always there. I don't know much about grief--if what I'm feeling will ever go away. But for now, it is where I am. I don't want to hide that from you--but I also don't want this blog to be such a weighty place every day either. While my grief is always present, it is not all that I am these days either. I'm also a girl who feels like my dreams are almost within my grasp. I have been praying for God to move me (which then turned to us when the boy entered the picture) overseas since I was 18. I am so content with where God has our family at the present time & so overjoyed that He is calling us to be missionary church planters.

So you see....I'm in this weird place right now. Sorrow is deeply embedded in my heart, and yet at the same time, my heart feels so light and so free. I don't even know if I'm making any sense right now. I think it's going to take some practice getting back into writing. I know I need to stop caring (again) if anyone is reading this silly little blog & just worry about writing. Writing is a remedy for me. This space is a healing space for me. I'm happy to be back here. I need to be back here. It's just hard to be so vulnerable sometimes. But years & years ago, I commited to be a genuine person. I was so fed up with people who tried to fool the world into thinking that they had it all together. I was so convicted in that area. So long ago, I promised God that I would be a voice that just told the truth. So here I am today--standing in front of you to say, that I don't have it all together. I am struggling. My emotions are all over the map most days. Tears are a very real part of most every day. But in the midst of that, I am not done in. I am not cast down forever....I know I'm not. There is this seed that God planted in my heart that grows & grows every day. What is it? It's called HOPE & it carries me on its wings every day.

I wanted to close tonight with a song that has become so dear to my heart. Some days the words of this song are so easy to sing--like breathing--so natural & obvious. Other days, the words of this song kill me to sing. He is not done with me yet. Praise Him! He is not finished with me...Praise the Lord oh my soul....

Praise the Lord by Kristene Mueller

Praise the Lord, oh my soul,
And let all that's within me praise His name.
Praise the Lord, oh my soul,
And let all that's within me praise His name.

Praise the Lord, oh my soul,
And let all that's within me praise His name.
Praise the Lord, oh my soul,
And let all that's within me praise His name.

For I will not die, I will live,
And I will tell of the Works of the Lord
And sing of His wonders.

I will not die, I will live.
I will not die, I will live,
'Cause He's a great God.
He's a great God.

And I get to love You through whatever comes.
What a privilege
That I get to love You through whatever comes.
Oh, how sweet it is,
That I get to love You through whatever comes.
What a privilege it is
That I get to love You through whatever comes.
Oh, how sweet it is.

And nothing's gonna take Your praise out of my mouth
As long as I shall live,
As long as I shall live.
Oh, nothing's gonna take Your praise out of my mouth
As long as I shall live,
As long as I shall live.

And I will not die, I will live,
I will not die, I will live.
For I will not die, I will live,
And I will tell of the Works of the Lord,
I will sing of His wonders.
For I will not die, I will live,
For I will not die, I will live.
I will not die, I will live,
Oh, I will not die, I will live.

And nothing's gonna take Your praise out of my mouth
As long as I shall live,
As long as I shall live.
Oh, nothing's gonna take Your praise out of my mouth
As long as I shall live,
As long as I shall live,
'Cause He's a great God.
He's a great God.
You're a great God.
You're a great God

And The Winner Is...

2011-10-03T20:04:00.000-07:00

Ok friends..I used http://www.random.org/ & it came up with our winner as comment #2:

True Random Number Generator

Min: 1
Max: 12
Result:
2
Powered by RANDOM.ORG

So congrats Amber Wing! I will contact you through Facebook to get your address & I will send out your prize later this week :) Thanks everyone for joining in the fun!

**2 friends weren't able to get their comments to post, so I chose to enter them still...you know, cause I'm sweet like that ;)

Hi. My Name is Rachel.

2011-10-01T17:05:00.000-07:00

So, I feel like we need to get to know each other again. I will start. Hi. My name is Rachel. That's me up there--next to a castle in Scotland that I'm madly in love with. In Spanish, my name is Raquel. I like to read Jane Austen books. I also like to read Harry Potter books. I love antiques. I love Mexican food. I love to study other cultures. I am loving music from Chelsea Moon and Ray LaMontagne at the moment. I love freezing cold weather. I like rain. I like to watch Little House on the Prairie. I don't watch tv--only dvds. Except for Parenthood. I watch that online. I like the color green. I like chewy candy (hot tamales, good & plentys, caramels, etc.) I have recently fallen in love with Indian food & crave pashwarmi naan like I'm a crazed pregnant woman. Which I'm not...pregnant that is. Some days I want more kids. Some days, I can't imagine adding one more to the chaos. I like to dance to Lecrae in the privacy of my own home. I like things with birds on them. I love grey & yellow together. I like vintage things. I like to take pictures & dream of being a photographer. I am not attached to much of my stuff. I'm dreaming of living in Scotland. I watch Gilmore Girls almost every day. My favorite books of the Bible are Psalms, James, Luke and Proverbs. After all these years of telling you I struggle in my prayer life, I still struggle in my prayer life. I wear grey jammie pants that my Mama gave me during every waking moment that I'm not out in public. I love working with college girls. I feel things very deeply & empathize with people who are hurting. I love old hymns. I miss my Mom every day. I am addicted to carmex lip balm. I like it when my husband smiles at me. I like beat up hardwood floors. I have an antique button collection. I also make earrings out of buttons. I love to paint. I love to distress things. I love the smell of bacon and old books.

Ok. Now it's your turn. Please tell me 3 things about yourself. Any random 3 things. And to spice things up a little bit, I will randomly pick one comment and send something that I love to the winner. (So make sure you leave a way for me to get in touch with you! Email address or something!) Ok...ready? Set? Go!

**I will pick a winner on Monday evening, so please submit your comments before 8pm on Monday :)

Our Big Announcement!

2011-09-29T12:28:00.000-07:00

So, after 6 months away, I'm finally back to my blog. I don't really know why I stopped, all I know is that it became to hard to write. Words were not there anymore. What had always been so natural & comfortable for me suddenly became very uncomfortable. I just needed a break. So I allowed myself to take one. Thank you for being patient with me & most of all, thank you for still being here. I appreciate your loyalty to me & my words :)

So much has happened since I last wrote. I may try to catch you up on some big things, or I may just start moving forward from here. Haven't really decided that one yet. But, I wanted to start off by sharing a huge announcement with you. After years & years of praying & seeking God, we believe that God is leading us to Glasgow, Scotland to plant a church. Let me back up a bit & take you on our journey.

When I was 18, I surrendered to the ministry. God had given me such a heart for missions & a global vision. A few months later I met Matt, we fell in love & got married. He also felt called to ministry, but not really missions specifically. While in seminary, God began to birth in Matt's heart a passion to church plant. I was completely on board--if we could do so overseas somewhere. I really struggled with planting a church in America--I have absolutely nothing against it--think it's incredible & SO NEEDED and so vital. I just didn't feel like that was the plan God had for us. Kind of like when we felt like God was leading us to adopt internationally. I think domestic adoption is amazing--just not what God was calling our family too personally. So anyways, for the last 7 years, God has been working on our hearts in the area of church planting.

In May of 2010, God began to lay the country of Scotland on our hearts through our dear friends Lindsay & Peter. I grew up with Lindsay & she has been my sister's best friend since 1994. Over time, she has become such a close friend of mine as well. She met Peter, a Scottish man while working with the ministry Mercy Ships. Last May, Lindsay & Peter looked at us across a table & asked us if we had ever considered planting a church in Scotland. I'm not exactly sure what happened that night, except to say that God lodged Scotland into our hearts & it has never gone away. In February, we traveled there for the first time & fell in love with the people & culture & history. In June, we traveled back, with the support of our pastor to ask God to clarify our calling there. I'd like to share an email I sent my close friends after that trip:

Hello friends! I know it's been a while since my last update, so I wanted to write & let you know what is going on with our family. As you know, we traveled back to Scotland in June. While there we spent a lot of time praying & seeking God and asking Him to confirm our calling to Scotland. We had the most wonderful time & met amazing people that we hope to do ministry with in the future. But most of all, God did speak to us. He did confirm His calling on our lives. The whole time we were there, we felt like we were blanketed in God's peace. There was such a rightness in our being there. But I'd like to share the moment where we just knew. We decided to take a country walk in Mugdock Park (which we fell in love with back in February)--this really beautiful place where you just walk through the wilderness & explore. The trail leads to a castle that was built in the 1300's. The castle is now classified as ruins--as you walk through the structure you walk on the grass--not sure if that makes sense--the ceilings are gone, walls are crumbled,etc. Anyways, it is so beautiful to see--but at the same time, so, well, ruined. I walked up to one of the castle walls & put my hand on the stone & saw the most amazing thing. All over the wall, hundreds of beautiful tiny purple flowers had pushed through the stone to bloom. In that moment I turned to Matt & said this verse that all of sudden was so alive in my heart:

"They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations."
(Isaiah 61:4)

Right there in front of us, we felt like God's call became so clear. He was calling us to Scotland--a country so rich with history--especially church history (did you know at one point in history, Scotland was sending out more missionaries than any other country in the world?) and beauty--just like that castle used to be. Full of life & history & beauty. But over the last hundred years, Scotland has fallen to spiritual ruin. The churches are empty & being sold left and right and remade into nightclubs. A country that was known for some of the greatest theologians the world has ever known, is now ordaining homosexual pastors. Scotland is so rich in history and beauty, but it lays in spiritual ruin now--ravaged by our enemy. BUT....from what we are seeing--new life is breaking through the stone! Just like those flowers, breaking through the stone, people's hearts are beginning to awaken to the TRUTH of who Jesus is & how He can change them:

"I will give you a new heart
and put a new spirit in you;
I will remove from you your heart of stone
and give you a heart of flesh."
(Ezekiel 36:26)

We are so humbled that God is calling us to be a part of His work in Scotland as church planters. Every day I wake up & just feel the weight of what He is calling us to do. I am not going to lie--we are feeling overwhelmed with the task ahead--we have days where we struggle with a million fears. But in the midst of that God speaks to our hearts again, through His Word, reminding us that He will not leave nor forsake us as we move forward.

So...where does that leave us?

Well, we have met with our pastors and everything is moving forward. Our church will support us for 4-5 years as we begin this process. We are planning to move to Scotland somewhere between January--June of 2013. We will spend the next 15-18 months raising support for our team (YAY!!!!! God has raised up 4 people to join us--2 girls whom we LOVE so so so much and one newly married couple who are just amazing!), raising money for our move (visas, apartment costs, etc) , going through church planting training & evaluation, and casting the vision to anyone who will let us. We are so excited about what lies ahead. Please continue to pray for us as we move forward to join God in the work He is already doing in Scotland!

So there it is! I will have lots more to say in the coming days & weeks. There is so much more in my heart--but this is a start :) We have started a blog & website for our church, and while it is still in the initial stages, you can start to follow our journey! Check it out:

www.refugescotland.com

Thanks for being here--thanks for loving me--thanks for being patient with me--thanks for inspiring & encouraging me to start writing again. I am so thankful for you.

I'll Be Back SOON!

2011-09-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

Hey friends!
Just wanted to let you know that my blog will be revived this Thursday with a very exciting announcement! Check back soon!

My Babies

2011-03-10T10:56:00.001-08:00

**and just in case you need a good laugh today....

***finding myself at a bit of a loss for words these days. Can you please pray for me as I continue to work through grief & attempt to verbalize what is in my heart these days. I will be back soon friends...thank you for your patience and the continued grace you share with me.

The Grief Ocean

2011-03-02T10:57:00.000-08:00

It's true what they say about grief being like an ocean. Somtimes the tide grabs hold of you with brutal strength and pulls you under. It tosses you about. A ragdoll in the swirling depths. Sometimes the force pulls so tightly that you just want to give in to it...to just let go and let it destroy you. The fight feels too hard and you feel too weak. I understand the panic that David felt as he penned "Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit." (Psalm 143:7) There are days that the grief consumes all else. There is nothing but sorrow--no light, only darkness. "Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from You presence....if I make my bed in the depths, You are there." (Psalm 139:7-8) Even in the depths--on the days where the bitterness and pain are my residence--He is still there. I can not flee from Him. The pain is not too big for Him.

Grief is the loneliest place. When I'm sinking farther into the depths of the Grief Ocean I feel alone in so many ways. But every time I open my eyes, I see past the turmoil, and I see Him there--my Rescuer. The One who is close to me--the brokenhearted. The one who is crushed in spirit. He is there. And He rescues with His iron grip. He pulls me to safety. He pulls me into soundness of mind. He pulls me to the peaceful shore.

The Grief Ocean is an ironic place. In it's depths it will destroy. The waves and breakers threaten to drown their victims. But on the shores, the waters bring peace and quiet to the soul. The waves lap against the shore in rhythm. Like a lullaby. What seemed so dangerous now brings peace. And a beauty is discovered as one looks out upon the Ocean. The magnitude of it all whispers awe into the quiet places inside you. The bruises on your heart & soul from being tossed about in the depths are so fresh and painful. But so much bigger than that, is the reminder of what it felt like to be rescued. The iron grip of the Rescuer cannot be forgotten.

Just like the waves that creep to the shore--just to be pulled back into the turbulent seas, the process of grief is a cycle. Some days I find myself wading ankle deep....eyes still taking in the beauty of the Ocean about me. Other days I stumble and plunge into the depths. But I am never alone. He is here with me--every step of the way He is here.

"If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You." (Psalm 139:11-12)

Thoughts of Heaven

2011-01-25T07:31:00.000-08:00

My lovely & creative friend Diana gave me the most beautiful handmade gift last night...this gorgeous paper butterfly garland. She said that she wasn't very good at writing cards or expressing how sorry she was that my Mom had gone to be with Jesus. So instead she gave me this treasure. She cut the butterflies out of a hymn that was about Heaven. Isnt't that so beautiful? She also gave me a card with the lyrics to the hymn. I don't know who wrote this, but I have read it over & over this morning as I daydream about what Mom is doing right now. I miss her so....

Just beyond the glow of twilight,

just beyond the evening star,

Dwells the hope of all that's mortal,

Just beyond the things that are.

Things that here we see but dimly,

There revealed to us shall be;

Faith that here we cling to firmly,

In fulfillment there we see

Hopes of man through countless ages,

Of a life beyond the grave,

Christ confirmed and turn'd the pages

For a world He died to save.

Christ alone the grave has conquered,

And His tomb did stand ajar,

As from heav'n His prayer was answered,

Just beyond the things that are.

May our faith in life eternal,

with a deep, abiding glow,

Still illuminate our pathway

as we travel here below.

When our journey here is ended

As our call comes from afar;

There a home in heaven awaits us,

Just beyond the things that are.

Just beyond the things that are...

Small Things That Bring Joy

2011-01-20T12:55:00.000-08:00

ginger ale

this song

rainy days

finding treasures in my mom's closet...and joyful memories in the midst of the pain (more on this soon)

early early mornings spent with Jesus--the Healer of my weary soul

mint lipgloss

dreams of Scotland & my upcoming trip there

dancing with my girls to silly songs

these chips:

hugs from my husband

oranges almost ripe for picking in my backyard

sunsets...and thoughts that maybe, just maybe Jesus asked my Mama to help Him paint them

playing dress up with my girls

my sister & dad and the comfort they bring me

finally learning how to tie a scarf here

guacamole

friends that i can laugh with

this quote:

"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese." --G.K. Chesterton

and this haiku that my friends wrote for me in response to above said quote :)

Cheese, cheese more puh-leeze
Havarti, Swiss, Cheddar, Brie
You're gouda to me.

words that I identify with in the psalms about grief and hope

date nights with my man

browsing around home goods...my favorite store

strawberry shortcake from road-side produce stands

hope that dawns like the morning

(picture is a free download from the pioneer woman)

Video of Mom

2011-01-11T10:25:00.000-08:00

Here is a video that my brother-in-law made for Mom's Celebration of Life service this weekend. It is such a beautiful tribute to her life--I would be so honored if you would watch it. It tells such a beautiful story. Miss her tons--but so thankful for gifts like this that keep her memory alive for us. (Videos usually don't fit on my blog layout--you may have to click on this link to watch it directly on youtube)

Dear Mom,

2011-01-09T09:03:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks before you went home to Jesus, you asked me if I thought you would be able to read blogs in heaven, because you really wanted to stay updated on all that was happening in our lives. I told you that I didn't think you would care--you would be way too enthralled with Jesus to be distracted by things on earth. And while I know that is the truth--you are now looking straight into the face of your Maker--I have changed my answer. I so wish that you could read this blog. I have so much to tell you & I just really wish you could see this post. I don't have any regrets with you. I really don't and I'm so thankful for that. I told you everything that was in my heart that I wanted to say. I'm not going to share those things here, because they are yours alone. And I really feel like you told me everything that was in your heart for me too. You told me you were proud of me. You told me that I was an amazing Mommy. You told me that the man I chose to marry was perfect for me. You told me that I had never looked more beautiful than I had been in recent weeks. You told me that you loved me. You told me that you believed Jesus was true to His promises.

There are no regrets lingering. But I'm just feeling so lost right now. I don't really know what to do with myself today. I've never lived without a Mom, and I just don't really know how this is supposed to work. What my days are supposed to look like when you're not in them. My heart is sad, and I wish so much that you could hug me and tell me it was all going to be ok, and that time would heal the sting. And that Jesus alone is my Comforter. I have so many questions--why it had to be you. Why it had to be me to say goodbye so soon. I'm not bitter. God has given me so much peace. But sometimes at night I wake up & just wonder why God has allowed me to walk this road. I know His character though, and I know His heart. I know that He is going to work all of this for my good. I am choosing to trust that. And Mom, it really is a choice--it does not come naturally. But you knew that more than anyone.

I just miss you. Everytime I've walked into your house this week, I've turned the corner in the kitchen, expecting to see your feet propped up on the footrest on your quiet time chair in the den. I keep picking up the phone to tell you something, and then remember that I won't get you on the other end. I knew this would be hard. We were so ready to let you go home. Your suffering, especially during your last week was so acute. It was so easy to release you. I know that you are whole now. I know that you are cancer-free. I know that you are victorious in Christ. I know that you are dancing with Jesus (as Ava reminds me each day). I know that you have no more tears. I know that your suffering is over. I know that God is faithful. I have never been so grateful for what Jesus did for me on the cross. I have never been so humbled by His great and lavish love for me. He is so good, isn't He? I have never longed more deeply for everyone I know to know Him. The Gospel changes everything.

I am grieving you. My heart feels like it might break in half. My sorrow feels as deep as the ocean. But Mama, I just need you to know that I'm not overcome. I am not in despair. I am not left hopeless. I have never ever been so filled with hope. I have never been so intimate with my Prince of Peace. I have never felt more loved by our family & our friends. And so I just need you to know that I am ok. I will miss you forever. I don't think that will ever go away. I will always need you. I will probably never understand it all while I'm walking this earth. But you have changed me. I am different because of you. I am different because I watched you suffer with grace & with an ever clinging love to Jesus. You are just so beautiful--and your spirit lives on. We will keep your legacy alive for our children. I will promise you that.

I will see you soon Mama Moozle. I long for that day even more now. And each day that I walk here will bring me one day closer to you. Jesus is just so worthy....He is so good. I know that He is carrying me every day. He has captured my heart. I love you Mom...don't forget to do a couple of cartwheels in my honor :)

Love you forever & ever,
Rachel Roozle

2011-01-04T04:10:00.000-08:00

One year ago TODAY I met and held Jane for the first time. It is a day I will never forget as long as I live. Happy Meetcha Day Jane!! I love you forever!

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Mom is with Jesus

2011-01-02T11:26:00.000-08:00

Friends,
Just wanted to let you know that this morning at 7:45am my sweet Mama went home to her Jesus. She had an extremely hard night, and after lots of struggle her body became extremely peaceful about an hour before she passed. Her breathing became very shallow, but with each breath she kept saying "home". Dad, Emmy & I were there, holding her hand as she took her last breath. It was beautiful and peaceful and full of hope. We are deeply sad, and hurting so much. But more than that, we are so thankful & relieved that Jesus--our Prince of Peace--finally came to rescue Mom and carry her to her true home. We have peace in the midst of this--we have so much joy knowing she is eternally healed, and with her Maker. We will see her again soon, and that will be a glorious day. It is well with our souls....

And One For Jane Too!!

2010-12-07T13:35:00.001-08:00

And look what came for Jane too!!

http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/watch/guest/rep5T1oTEyJlmJMRQem2HQ

A Video From Santa!!

2010-12-07T11:35:00.000-08:00

Look what came for Ava today!!

http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/watch/guest/MdVZEP6M8j8z286YhhEaVw

Miracles in Haiti

2010-12-07T06:21:00.000-08:00

Hey friends!
Recently I wrote a post about the Cholera epidemic that was plaguing Haiti & asked you to pray and consider helping. God is doing mighty things at the Rescue Center & I just had to share! Go read this post to read a very encouraging update!

Reading that makes me feel so much more joyful than wearing cute boots would any day! Hallelujah what a Savior!

My Mama

2010-12-02T11:51:00.000-08:00

I've been putting off writing this post for a week now because I hate to see it in black and white. It is so stark when it is in print. It becomes real to me when I write the words down. And these are words that I don't want to write. I don't want to think these things. My heart is aching. There is no way to really put into words the long long journey I have walked next to my Mom over the past (too many) years. It has been a roller coaster. And not the fun kind that exhilarhates you. No--this is one that you're strapped into kicking and screaming. All you want is to get off. You feel sick. But on it moves, and you with it.

Mom has stopped treatment at the cancer hospital.

Her body can no longer take it.

There is not much more they can do for her.

Her pain is so great, that relieving it has become the focus--no longer trying to treat the problem.

She has returned home now.

Hospice has taken over her care & pain relief.

There I said it. Does that make me brave? I don't feel brave right now. I feel angry. I feel afraid. I feel small. I feel like someone who just needs their Mom to rock her and hold her & tell her everything will be ok.

But the roles have switched.

Now, we take care of her.

And I'm so grateful that I get to be a part of that. I praise God every single day, that in His providence He has allowed my sister & I to move back home, for both of our husbands to get jobs in ministry in the same city (do you know how impossible that would be apart from God??), for the opportunity to love my Mom, to comfort and help my Dad during these very difficult days.

The other day we moved furniture around in Mom & Dad's room to make room for a hospital bed.

And I lost it. I wept the rest of the night. That tangible, visible sign was so telling of where we are now. Things are different this time. There is a different light on now. A new chapter has begun. Is it all full of sorrow & ache?

No.

It's really not. There are moments where the Prince of Peace steps in to the hurt and brings healing balm. He binds up our wounds. He holds our crushed spirits in the palms of His very capable and tender hands. There is something about the valley of the shadow of death that is so peaceful. I think that is where our Savior walks nearest to us. There is such calm there. I am trying so hard to DWELL next to His quiet waters. Some days I'm there.

Others days I step away & I point my fist at Him & I scream at Him from a heart full of turmoil. Why God? Why her? Why me? Why? I have to have an answer.

Sometimes He gives glimpses of the why.

Other times it remains a mystery wrapped up with a bow of grace. He gives grace in our weakness. Did you hear me? In our weakness, He ushers in grace. GRACE. What a sweet sound that is. Amazing, healing grace.

Where would we be without it?

So there it is. In black and white. My Mom is getting worse by the day. My heart is broken. But...my God is bigger than my heart. I can grieve with hope knowing that this world is not my home. This world is not Mom's home. We will spend eternity together--no matter what happens here. Praise the Lord for HOPE!

Please continue to pray for my family. We are desperate in our need for prayer. Grace to you friends.

Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and body with grief.
My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,
and my bones grow weak...

I have become like broken pottery...

But I trust in you, LORD;
I say, “You are my God.”
My times are in your hands...

Praise be to the LORD,
for he showed me the wonders of his love
when I was in a city under siege.

(excerpts from Psalm 31)

Thankful List

2010-11-26T11:59:00.000-08:00

I hope that you all had a lovely Thanksgiving! We sat down as a family yesterday morning to make a list of 10 things we are thankful for. We are going to start doing this every year & keep our lists in a notebook so we can look back and see the countless ways God has blessed us over the years. We spent some time praying & telling God how very thankful we are. Then we turned in the girl's Bible to the story of the cross--and we reminded the girls that we are most thankful for is the LOVE God showed us when He died for us on the cross. We long for our girls to KNOW that the greatest gift ever given was salvation. He is pursuing our girls & it is truly beautiful!

So here is our Thankful List for 2010...

1. Getting to love other people (Ava)

2. For pajamas & books (Ava)

3. For Ava & Jane (Matt)

4. Food (Ava)

5. Living close to family (Rachel)

6. Jesus' love (Ava)

7. Finally having Jane home and in our family forever (Rachel)

8. That Rachel loves me (Matt)

9. Shoes we wear (Ava)

10. Butter (Jane)

**and YES...Jane really did say butter when we asked her what she was thankful for!! HAHAHAHA!!

What are you thankful for this year?

"Praise the LORD.
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever." (Psalm 106:1)

What Can You Sacrifice?

2010-11-18T05:40:00.001-08:00

Hey friends. Can I be honest with you for a minute?

I want cute new boots. Gray ones. All the cool girls wear boots & I want to be "labeled" as a cool girl. I woke up thinking about how I was going to go shopping while Ava was at school today to find the cute boots. My heart was not set on Jesus this morning. My heart was set on myself. What I WANT. What I feel the need to CONSUME. And then I read this post and everything changed.

Once again God strongly convicted my heart that what I was chasing after was something that didn't mattered. My perspective was wrong. Is it bad to want new boots? No. Is it bad to want them so others will label me a certain way. Yes. Is it bad to want boots more than Jesus & His children that are suffering. ABSOLUTELY!

What a wake up call this morning.

Praise God that He loves me enough to shake me up sometimes.

Friends, what can you give up today, this month, this year so that you will be freed up to give to others? I just spent some time rearranging our budget this month so that we could give. I don't say that so that you will say "Yay Rachel". I say that because I want you to know that I'm not asking you to do something that I myself & my family are not already doing. We must live more simply so that others may SIMPLY LIVE (Mother Theresa).

At Bible study last night my best friend Aprile reminded us that when we get to heaven one day we will stand before God & give account for everything we have done (or have not done) during our time on earth. What will that day be like for me? Will I finally realize that so much of my time, money, passion was wasted on stuff that DOES NOT MATTER? Man, I want to be different. I want to please my Savior with the way that I have used what He has given me.

Today. TODAY you can help people who are dying from cholera. Here is how (taken from my friend Jamies blog):

Real Hope for Haiti is an organization that serves in Cazale and right now they are dealing with many patients with cholera that need our help. Not many of us can go and serve there. Not many of us speak the language. Not many of us are nurses/doctors. Not many of us can leave our families for a week right now, but something we can all do is give some money to help them out.

They have made it super easy to see where your money is going. On Licia’s blog she listed out what your money will buy and how much they are using of that daily.

$10 per hour to staff the house that they are putting the cholera patients in that = $240 per day

Could you help them with 3 hours a day? $30 donation.

Could you help them with five hours a day? $50 donation.

Could you help them pay for an entire day? $240 donation.

Each lifesaving bag of IV fluid is $3.82. The average patient will go through 15 bags = $57.30 for IV fluid per patient.

Can you support one patient? $58 donation.

Can you support two patients? $116 donation.

Can you support three patients? $172 donation.

They are going through 15 gallons of bleach per day. Each gallon is $5 = $75 a day in bleach

Could you help them sanitize the place for a day? $75 donation.

Could you help them for a week? $525 donation.

These are real people on the front lines loving, serving, and helping the sickest people in Haiti right now. They are running on no sleep and no down time. These people deserve our support not only spiritually, but also financially.

This holiday season do something for someone else! Make a donation to RHFH and know that you are helping them literally save lives today.

You can mail a check to RHFH:

PO BOX 23

Elwood, IN 46036

or go to their website and donate online. REAL HOPE FOR HAITI

include a note that it is for Cholera treatment

Please consider how you can help this people. They are dying by the minute.

Matthew 25:34--40
34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Family Pictures

2010-11-14T19:40:00.001-08:00

Check out this link to some amazing pictures a friend of ours took of our family

http://abbeysaxtonphotography.wordpress.com/2010/11/12/a-bittersweet-journey/

I can't even tell you what a gift these pictures are to our family! Our photographer also wrote some very sweet words about my Mama.

I'll be back to blogging soon...just trying to store up all my thoughts about life at the moment & ponder them in my heart for awhile. It's been a rough 2 weeks for me. Still trying to process everything. Hugs to you....I'll be back soon :)

Orphan Sunday

2010-11-07T15:15:00.000-08:00

There are 147 million orphans in the world. If 7% of people who profess to be Christ-followers adopted ONE there would be NONE! That statistic is so staggering to me! I am so thankful that my Jane girl is an orphan no more this year. I also know that adopting Jane into our family is not the only way that we can stand for the orphan. Here are 10 ways that you can stand for & with the orphans of this world. If you'd like more information about adoption or orphan care ministry, please leave me a comment with your email address.

1. Pray for them.
2. Speak up for them.
3. Provide for their needs.
4. Support those who support them.
5. Protect them from harm.
6. Visit them where they are.
7. Give sacrificially to them.
8. Encourage them to press on.
9. Adopt them into your family.
10. Mobilize your church for them.

You can't do everything but you can (and must!) do something! The Bible is very clear about God's heart for the orphan. He stands with the orphans, and so should we!

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." (James 1:27)

2010-11-04T09:32:00.000-07:00

Many of you have been asking what is going on with my Mom. I've dreaded posted this on my blog, because somehow there seems to be such a realness to it when I see it in black & white. My sweet Mom is not doing well. Her health is weakening & it has been so heartwrenching to watch. She began treatment on Monday, and so far is not too sick from it. However, the side effects accumulate, so she will get progressively worse over the next 2.5 weeks. We desperately, and humbly ask for your prayers as we continue to walk this road with my Mom. We are so weary. I am so weary. But God has been faithful to give me rest that can be only be found when I meet with Him.

I ask you to join with us, as we storm the throne of God with confidence and boldly ask for my Mom's healing. Prayer works. I know it does--please join us in being a part of something amazing. Thank you friends! Below you can read an email my Dad sent out about my Mom's diagnosis. It is bleak, but nothing is impossible for the God I serve. Will you please pray?

(Written Friday October 29)
Dear Family and Friends

Today has been a difficult one....the last 2 weeks Susanna has been experiencing dizziness, balance problems, double vision, headaches, and a pain in her left buttock. Yesterday she had an MRI and today we met with her pain management doctor, Dr. Buga and her oncologist, Dr. Roberts. The MRI shows that the ovarian cancer has metasticised in her brain. There are innumerable lesions throughout the brain, but there is one lesion in the left cerebellar hemisphere that is 2.4cm x 2.4 cm. This appears to be the one that is causing the balance problems, dizziness, headaches, but not the pain in her butt.

We were able to get an appointment this afternoon with the radiologist, so Monday afternoon Susanna will begin "whole brain radiation" treatments. She will have 15 treatments, Mon-Fri for 3 weeks. Each treatment is 15 minutes. The goal is to reduce and destroy the lesions relieving the pressure in her brain that are causing the problems. Side effects are fatigue, nausea, loss of hair, possible short term memory problems.

Secondly, from her blood work her CA 125 was over 1300, and it is suspected that the pain in her butt is coming from a lesion on her spine or tumor activity in her pelvic region which is where the cancer originally was found. So she will have a CT Scan sometime next week and this will help determine if any or what kind of treatment is necessary.

We thank you so much for being there for us over these many, many months, and we need to lean on you once again. God has been so good, He has answered prayers, He has given comfort and strength and peace and family and friends, and so much more! Last Christmas, her condition was very serious and her prayer was to be able to hold her new grandbabies! God has so answered that prayer, now our prayer is that she gets to see Ava, Jane, and Isaac start their first day of school or graduate from college!

Thank you for your encouragement and your love,

10 Things I've Learned While Doing Top 10 Lists For 31 LONG Days {Day 31}

2010-10-31T18:01:00.000-07:00

1. I should never commit to something after thinking about doing it for only 2 seconds.

2. Picture posts are king

3. David Letterman is insane

4. 31 days is a very long time

5. I am stubborn about finishing things I say I'm going to finish

6. I think that anyone that has read every post must just love me for me, because that was like 21 top ten lists too long

7. 10 is a much larger number than you could ever imagine

8. My brain gets fuzzy at number 8 every time and I start to lose hope of ever finishing

9. But then I usually think of one more thing, so then I have a number 9

10. 10 means done. Hallelujah. (or in the words of Madea..."Hallelujer")

10 Glimpses Inside My Soul {Day 30}

2010-10-30T15:28:00.000-07:00

1. My heart is sad. Not defeated. But sad.

2. Sometimes I don't understand why God has allowed my family to walk the road that we've been walking with my Mom. Sometimes I sit and pout & say "why her?" I know that's immature, but it's how I feel sometimes.

3. I wish I could just tuck myself away for awhile and hide

4. I'm thankful for my kids. They bring me a lot of joy, even in very bleak circumstances

5. I hate satan. I hate his lies. I hate how he deceives people. I hate how he seduces people into sin. I hate the falleness of our world. I am so thankful that I serve the Redeemer who, one day, will turn everything right.

6. I think God has surrounded me by lots of brave people to inspire braveness in me.

7. I'm so grateful that Jesus is the friend of the brokenhearted

8. At the end of my life, I want people to say about me that I truly understood what grace meant--grace that has been shown to me from Jesus, and also grace that I gave to other people

9. Sometimes I wonder why God built me to be a daydreamer. I could sit and dream my days away. I love to create in my head and think up ideas and stories in my head. But sometimes that makes for a very full head. I wish there were a few more quiet moments in my day to get all those thoughts out of my head and onto paper.

10. I know that I learn lessons best when I'm walking through difficult times. God has more of my attention when there is great sorrow in my life. I don't know if that's normal, or if I'm just weak like that. I hope that by the end of my life I will have learned to cling to Jesus as much in the happy, prosperous, easy times of life as I do during the days of sorrow, pain and sadness.

10 Reasons Why I Think My Mom Is Special (Day 29)

2010-10-29T16:49:00.000-07:00

** We got very difficult news about my Mom today. I am still trying to soak it in...I will post more about it in the coming days. For now I just need to let the news sink in. But tonight I want to honor her with this post.

1. She raised me to love Jesus. Some of my earliest memories are of waking up early for school and finding my Mom already up and in God's Word.

2. She looks beautiful...even with no hair or eyelashes...she can really rock a scarf :)

3. She has dance parties with my girls

4. She gives good strong hugs that always make you feel better

5. She handles suffering with grace and even joy

6. I know she has kept on fighting because she loves her family so much

7. She has taught Emmy & I how to mother our kids w/ grace and patience (a lesson I'm still learning!)

8. She makes the best Christmas candy in the whole world

9. She is honest with us about how she's really feeling...even when she's doing bad. She told us that tears are a gift from God.

10. Her faith in God has never ever wavered. She is brave because her faith is built on the unshakeable faithfulness of God.

** my sissy Emmy helped me with this post

10 Things I've Done Today (Day 28)

2010-10-28T16:02:00.000-07:00

1. Woke up at 5:30am to do laundry

2. Packed up our car full of camping gear

3. Drove 10 minutes to our exotic campsite :)

4. Set up camp with my sister while 2 husbands were away at work and 3 wild & crazy (& cranky!) kids got into all kinds of mischief

5. Killed 4632467906424689954 misquitos that were trying to eat us alive

6. Sweated off 13 pounds

7. Worked for 1.5 hours to get my kids to nap...and then they napped for 30 minutes

8. Beat my sister at a rowdy game of Gin Rummy

9. Ate some of my Dad's fabulous chili

10. Stuffed my family in our tent and sat through a 45 minute rainstorm all the while laughing and yelling "serenity now!"

10 Things I Wish Were A Reality In My Life (Day 27)

2010-10-27T17:00:00.000-07:00

1. Free housecleaners for tired Mommies

2. Chocolate that made you skinnier

3. Books that could be read by holding them up to your forehead

4. Laundry that washed itself

5. Children that were eternally clean and never needed baths

6. A personal grocery shopper who was also a coupon master who saved me a ton of money

7. Sleep

8. Floors with a special dirt, food & crumb shield

9. Having energy like a two year old

10. One day off. Every other day

**what about you?

10 Favorite Pumpkin Patch Pictures {Day 26}

2010-10-26T18:03:00.000-07:00

**I use the words "pumpkin patch" very loosely. You see, here in Florida, we don't really have such things as patches of pumpkins. We have road-side stands that put pumpkins on folding tables. But that's ok, I still like the pictures I got...just imagine more beautiful backgrounds :)

1. Ava girl--I think this one looks kind of vinatage

2. My sister with all the cousins on my side of the family

3. Ava & Isaac

4. My golden gal

5. Sisters!

6. My little family

7. My parents with all their cute little grandkids!

8. My sister & her adorable little family!

9. My Ethiopian princess

10. My wonderful parents

10 Things That Are Cool (To Me) {Day 25}

2010-10-25T17:50:00.000-07:00

1. Ice cream (hahahaha....I crack myself up!)

**Ok, seriously now...

2. The color grey

3. Antiques--especially books, and teacups, and old windows

4. Girls that can pull of wearing a hat

5. Comfy pj pants that are waiting for you when you walk in the door at home. They are like wearing a hug around your legs

6. Words

7. People that can cook yummy food and then share it with, um, me

8. The new Harry Potter trailer

9. Framed pages from books in kids rooms--I really want to do this one day

10. People who are content with what God has given them & aren't driven to always consume more

10 Things I Am Joyful About {Day 24}

2010-10-24T20:26:00.000-07:00

1. Only 7 more days left in this silly little blog challenge :) Ha ha! This has proven way harder than I thought it would be! Ready for it to be complete.

2. God's faithful provision for my family. Yet again, God provided exactly what we needed to pay our bills. We are so humbled by God's gracious care of our family.

3. For a group of new friends who we are getting to live life with from our college group at church. I have been so challenged by this group--they are making me re-think everything. I feel so refreshed after spending time with them.

4. Getting to spend time with my whole family tonight. I am so grateful to live so close to my parents and my sister & brother in law. I need them in my life & I am so thankful that God has allowed us to be near them in this season of my life.

5. Losing my first couple of pounds in my self-inflicted weight loss challenge!

6. For all that God is teaching me in the book of Romans through the teaching & writings of my best friend. I have been awed again by the simple, yet incredible depth of the gospel.

7. For time spent with my husband this week, just the 2 of us--and a freshness in our relationship as a result.

8. For freedom that has come to us by striving to live more simply.

9. For good coffee from my friend Mel (Made in the Shade from Bongo Java in Nashville. Go buy some now--your life will be forever changed!!)

10. For 2 little girls who kissed me goodnight tonight--my heart aches with love and thankfulness for them.

10 Things I'm Struggling With {Day 23}

2010-10-23T18:49:00.001-07:00

1. The realization that my Mom is getting sicker. Her health is starting to fade. We sat together this afternoon and cried some quick tears about it. Then I came home and cried some more. There is nothing worse in this whole world than watching the people you love the most suffer.

2. I struggle in knowing how to discipline Jane. She is unreponsive to all conventional forms of discipline. I've started reading The Connected Child and hope that it offers me insight in how to lead my daughter.

3. Feeling like my life is too small. The dreams I dreamed as a teenager are not the reality that I'm living in. Is that because God has lead me down a different path or because we are choosing not to dream big dreams anymore?

4. This quote I read today by Mark Twain: "Most men die by the age of 27. We just don't bury them until they are 72."

5. Missing my husband while he is away...even though it's a short trip to speak in Jacksonville, just wish he was home tonight.

6. How to love both my girls enough. I want my girls to always know that Mommy is on their side. That I am for them. That I always will be. I want them to be secure in the love I have for them.

7. Jane's hair. I know it sound frivolous next to the others, but I just can't seem to find a line of products or even a mis-match of products that keep her hair from drying out & frizzing up by mid afternoon.

8. Missing some dear friends who live way too far away.

9. Laundry. I just cannot get ahead of the beast this week. It is piling up everywhere & I can't seem to get it done fast enough.

10. Knowing that God can...but seeing that He is choosing not to. And that in that He is good still. All the time good. Just being honest--hard for me to grapple with that one sometimes.

10 Things I'm Pondering At The Moment {Day 22}

2010-10-22T18:21:00.000-07:00

1. How life is truly just a vapor. A breath. And then it's over. We heard today that an old friend passed away in his sleep last night. He was 40--with a lovely wife and young daugther. Sometimes it is hard to see God's goodness in the midst of such tragedy. Praying for those closest to him as they grieve. Thankfully they can grieve with hope knowing that He is kneeling at the feet of Jesus tonight.

2. Should I read tonight or watch a movie?

3. What healthy foods can I eat tomorrow?

4. Is Jane going to survive our camping trip next week? Better question: are we going to survive bring Jane on our camping trip next week?

5. Have I allowed myself to really grasp the magnitude of what has happened in bringing Jane home? In what ways has adoption changed me? Do I better understand what God has done in adopting me?

6. Where is Jane's birthmom? Is she safe? Is she alive? Does she remember that her baby's birthday is coming up? Does she have peace? She is so heavy on my heart these days. I guess it's because of Jane's coming birthday. Just seems like that day should belong to her. She was there that day. That is something special that I was not a part of. And I'm truly truly ok with that. Wondering how we can honor her on November 2. Just wish I could hug her and whisper in her ear that Jane is loved and well taken care of. Would that bring her peace, or turmoil in her heart?

7. How can we keep Christmas focused on the True Gift that has been given to us?

8. Why has Ava been acting like a hormonal teenager this week? And how are we going to survive when she really is a hormonal teenager? Man I love that girl--drama and all.

9. Do both of my girls know that I love them both?

10. I hate getting ready for bed. I wish there was a machine you could stand in for 30 seconds that would wash your face, brush your teeth, take our your contacts, and maybe even fix your hair for the next day. That would be delightful.

10 Reasons Why I Love Date Night {Day 21}

2010-10-21T19:51:00.000-07:00

1. I get to take a shower and fix my hair

2. I get to put on "fancy clothes" as Ava likes to call them

3. I get a break from feeding my kids dinner

4. I get a break from bedtime routines

5. I get to eat yummy food

6. I actually get to look at what I'm eating & taste my yummy food...and I get to do this sitting down. The whole meal. Wow. (those of you with toddlers know exactly what I mean :)

7. I get to hold hands with my husband

8. I get to say yes to dessert

9. I get to go to the movie theater like a real grown-up

10. I get to invest in my marriage

10 Random Bullet Points {Day 20}

2010-10-20T20:19:00.001-07:00

1. I made good healthy food choices today :) Yay!

2. Loving this video from Sesame Street!

(Love it even more after hearing that the song was written by a Daddy for his 5 year old daughter who was adopted from Ethiopia!)

3. I get to go on a date with my man tomorrow night! Super excited!! It's been too long since our last date night...so looking forward to spending some time together!

4. I am going through a Bible study on Romans that my best friend has written for our church. It is SO amazing & I am learning so so much! Wish I could go through it with all of you!

5. Christian rap has become some of my favorite music...so much of it is so theologically correct--it's almost like hearing a sermon put to song :) Here's why:

6. I Used To Do It Too by Lecrae: (PS...We are friends with KB--a new rapper that is featured on this song. So excited for him & his new deal with Reach Records!!!)

7. Here is a video of my girls dancing to this song...LOVE it!!

8. Today I got all of the girls old clothes sorted & ready to sell. I still have every piece of clothing from Ava & Jane, so this has been a HUGE 3 day task. Today I finally finished the work & I'm ready to consign my stuff to be able to buy the girls some winter clothes with the money. Yay for productivity!

9.This video is UNBELIEVABLE!! Read the story here about how they made it

10. I am in the process of making a Pippi Longstalking costume for Ava's school Fall Festival/Halloween. Please stop and take a moment of silence for my sanity!

PS...Just noticed all the videos are cut off on my blog...you can always click on them & watch them on You Tube if you want to see the whole picture

10 Blogs That Inspire Me {Day 19}

2010-10-19T18:12:00.000-07:00

**There are so many more--but I could only pick 10!

1. Under The Sycamore
This Mom of 4 young kids does AWESOME do-it-yourself crafty things. I always read & think...I could do that. I love her style too. Oh & her photography is awesome!

2. A Blissful Heart
This is another adoptive Mom from our Ethiopia program. I have never met her, but I feel like I know her. She is completely honest about what it's like to mother adopted kids. I have learned so much from her--her wisdom & authenticity are such gifts.

3. Black Flipflops Designs
This is my friend Virginia's blog. She is the Mom of 4 kids 5 and under, a wife, and an AMAZINGLY talented scrapbooker. Her art is amazing & she is so down to earth. She always has cool websites to check out too--like this one: www.rollip.com Trust me--you'll want to check it out :)

4. The Estrangeiros
These are our good friends from seminary who are now missionaries in Portugal. They are so real & down to earth about what it's like to live and serve God in another country. I love to hear the stories of what God is doing in their country, and how they are falling more in love with the people there. Oh, and they are about the cutest family you will ever see!

5. Mary Beth Chapman
MaryBeth is the wife of Steven Curtis Chapman. Her writings about her grief over losing their daughter Maria are so touching, life-giving, encouraging, real, hard, raw and inspiring. She is a fellow adoptive Mom who has changed the landscape of adoption in our churches. She is an amazing woman!

6. Little Green Notebook
This is an interior designer that I follow. Don't even remember how I ever landed on her blog. Some of her designs are not my style, but I LOVE how she repurposes and recreates furniture. It is so fun to see her before & after pictures--complete with tutorials. Her work always makes me want to makeover my whole house!

7. The Pioneer Woman
If you're not reading The Pioneer Woman you are seriously missing out! She is so funny, so down to earth & so useful in so many ways! I especially love her cooking & photography blogs. You've probably already been reading her for years, like I have, but just in case there is anyone out there who isn't--run to her blog now!

8. The Sunshine Chronicles
This is my friend Debra. Although we've never met in real life, I feel like she is my friend! We have several mutual friends, and Matt has spent some time with her & her husband. Her style is amazing, her photography challenges are so fun to see, her kids are world-changers, her writing style is so genuine. Such a great blog!

9. Nesting Place
Another blog you're probably already reading, but I would hate for you to miss out on! Her motto is: It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful. She is a home decorator/organization guru, furniture recreator, etc. Right now she is doing 31 days to a less messy nest. Very cool & very do-able. Check her out!

10. Lisa Leonard Designs
The coolest jewelry you'll ever see! Lisa is one of those bloggers who you feel like you personally know (along with the other thousand ladies who are reading her blog :) Her jewelry is hand-stamped & can be personalized. So beautiful. She is the Mommy of 2 boys--one with a disability. Her jewelry business is how she is able to be more present for her family. Her blog is so sincere & her style is so fresh. Love it!

10 Reasons Why I Love My College Girls Small Group {Day 18}

2010-10-18T20:44:00.000-07:00

1. They are completely genuine

2. They are super commited and give up so much to come every week

3. They wear their pajamas to my house

4. They love junk food as much as me

5. They are in love with Jesus

6. They encourage me every week

7. They make me feel younger than I am

8. They are still sitting in my living room while I'm typing this & they have no idea that I'm talking about them :) Hehe!

9. We are like a family & we just live life together

1o. We get to have yearly sushi making parties & that is just cool

10 Messes I Cleaned Up Today {Day 17}

2010-10-17T19:42:00.000-07:00

1. Dirty diapers

2. Vomit off the carpet

3. Vomit off the crib rails

4. Vomit off the sheets

5. Vomit off the beloved baby doll

6. Blueberry applesauce cup that was thrown (and by thrown I really mean hurled) from the highchair

7. Blueberry applesauce all over pajamas

8. 1000000000 million crumbs off the floor

9. Pizza sauce off 2 cute little faces

10. One very loved glow bracelet that was dropped in a toilet full of pee

10 Things To Love About A Pirate Murder Mystery Party {Day 16}

2010-10-16T20:59:00.001-07:00

1. You get to dress like a pirate

2. You get to say Booty as much as you want

3. You get to accuse your friends of murder

4. You get to play a character that is opposite of your real personality

5. You get to eat massive amounts of chocolate

6. You get to pain fake skull & cross-bone tattoos on your arms

7. You get to ask people questions you've always wanted to ask

8. You get to yell at, steal, bribe & cheat people

9. You get to wear plastic eye patches

10. You get to sing along to the Disney World pirate ride theme song...Yo Ho Yo Ho--The Pirate's Life For Me

10 Things I Did Tonight {Day 15}

2010-10-15T20:28:00.000-07:00

1. I drove all the way to the airport, dropped off a car, and then drove all the way home.

2. I got coffee at McDonald's

3. I stopped my girls from killing each other. 1549434048t6030393749 times

4. I ate pizza

5. I burned things

6. I made tissue paper poof balls

7. I laughed with my best friend

8. I tried to convince my husband to write a blog for me

9. I painted

10. I finished preparations for my other best friend's birthday party--in all it's awesome awesomeness

10 Words Coming Out of My Brain Right Now {Day 14}

2010-10-14T21:35:00.001-07:00

1. Uh-oh

2. Late

3. 12:35am

4. Sleep

5. Nertz

6. Coffee

7. Hibachi

8. Shoes

9. Gas

10. Pillow

10 Things I Love {Day 13}

2010-10-13T19:24:00.000-07:00

1. Fall

2. The color grey

3. C.O Bigelow Mentha Shine lipgloss

4. Greek food

5. A clean house that stays clean for more than 26 seconds

6. Sunday afternoon naps

7. Anything shabby, antique, or vintage--especially stuff with chipped paint or rubbed off edges

8. Pumpkin spice candles

9. Hoodie sweatshirts

10. Hugs from my man

10 Reasons I Love Driving Through (Rural) Central Florida {Day 12}

2010-10-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

1. Because the speed limit changes every 30 seconds: 65mph to 60 to 55 to 45 to 35 to 30 to 35 to 45 to 55 to 65. And then one minute later we get to start all over again. So fun.

2. Random oddities on the side of the road. Such as a tee-pee. And a Taxidermy Museum. With free parking.

3. Because 2/3rds of all signs are spray painted on plywood

4. Businesses with names like the "salon" I saw today: Hairy Business, Etc.

5. Billboards announcing that the town 3.4 miles ahead (Lawtey, Starke, etc) is a SPEED TRAP!!!!!!!!!!

6. Quaint roadside gift shops from the 1950's that are still stuck in 1950. But hey, where else can you buy a seashell chandelier, the South's finest pecan pralines, and a neon green shirt with a dancing orange on it? Oh, and have an hour long conversation with an old lady who strangely feels like she could be your Grandma.

7. Memorial Highways named after people with nicknames like "Skeet" and "Butch"

8. The way the sun shines through the Spanish moss covered trees and casts a golden light on all the farmland

9. Restaurants that have food "like your Granny cooked it"

10. Because you're never more than 5 minutes away from hot boiled peanuts, real (dead) stuffed gator heads, and freshly squeezed orange juice

**And because my friend Virginia pointed out that I only gave 9 Pride & Prejudice vocab words:

10. Fulsome

Thanks Virginia! PS...Everyone needs to go check out her comment on that post. Nothing short of pure awesomeness!

10 Reason Why I May Explode Tonight While I'm Sleeping {Day 11}

2010-10-11T18:52:00.000-07:00

*All my food-babies from Savannah:

1. Eggs Benedict from Huey's (our absolute favorite place in Savannah)

2. Tack on a side of beignets with hot praline pecan sauce drizzled over top

3. Pizza from Vinnie Van Go Gos--ok, so a LOT of pizza from Vinnies

4. A free sample of homemade caramel corn with Georgia pecans from the Savannah Candy Kitchen. And by free sample I mean a huge cup of it b/c they were about to close and wanted to get rid of it

5. Conquistador sandwich from Zunzi's Take Out--South African food at it's finest

6. More Vinnies pizza

7. Popcorn Shrimp basket from a whole in the wall place (called the Sugar Shack) at the Tybee Island Beach

8. Muffaletta sandwich with a side of cheese grits from the lovely Huey's again. Oh, and of course tack on a side of those world famous beignets

9. Pumpkin pancakes from J. Christophers...and a whole pot of coffee all to myself :)

10. Peppermint ice cream from Leopold's--around since 1919.

**Yes, it seems that all we did was eat all week

***Yes, we are fasting for the rest of our lives. Veggies and water from this day forward

10 Reasons Why I Think I Have The Greatest Kids In The World (Day 10)

2010-10-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

1. Ava loves to cuddle-bug with me

2. Jane scrunches up her nose when she smiles

3. They love to dance to Lecrae...and they have mad rhythm

4. Ava cracks me up by impersonating Mac Powell from Third Day...raspy voice and all

5. Jane kisses my arm 23747 times a day

6. Ava loves to read books as much as I do--especially chapter books (in the middle of Pippi Longstalking right now)

7. Jane says hi & blows a kiss to just about everyone we pass

8. Ava has a profound understanding of the Gospel already & her questions about Jesus blow my mind

9. Jane makes the funniest faces & is already showing signs that she is going to be the class clown

10. They love me and have patience with me even when I mess up as their Mommy

*ps...I typed this on my cell phone b/c the internet is down so please forgive any typos or formatting issues

10 Things You May Not Know About Me {Day 9}

2010-10-09T19:53:00.001-07:00

1. I go to bed every night at 11:00 and wake up every morning at 6:00. Except on the days that I don't.

2. I have wanted to adopt since I was in kindergarten. It was the longest dream of my life that has come true.

3. Dark chocolate is my favorite chocolate.

4. I am slightly gangsta. I love Christian rap music. And I love Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio. I know every word.

5. I grew up listening to Paul Simon and Simon & Garfunkel...and their music still calms me down like when I was a kid.

6. I am a conspiracy theorist. I constantly think that there are bad guys around & that I'm living in an episode of Alias.

7. I like to re-read the same books over & over. I rarely read new books. I pretty much just cycle through the same books over & over.

8. I am very shy but I hate being labeled as the "shy girl".

9. I can't fall asleep unless I've put on Carmex brand chapstick.

10. I keep a hula girl on my kitchen sink. She has been with me since I was 15....I got her at an antique store when I was in 10th grade. She used to be in my car--now she watches over my sink. She is a small bit of whimsy in my kitchen.

10 Words From Pride & Prejudice That We Should Resurrect In Our Daily Vocabulary {Day 8}

2010-10-08T13:33:00.001-07:00

1. Deign

2. Felicity

3. Gallantry

4. Proxy

5. Simpleton

6. Villainous

7. Acquiesce

8. Simper

9. Vex

10 Reasons Why I Can't Do A Top Ten List Tonight {Day 7}

2010-10-07T18:22:00.001-07:00

1. I've been up since 3am and I'm very very tired

2. The first 4 hours of my day were spent doing laundry and packing & it has scarred me

3. I spent 7 hours in the car with my cranky kids today & my brain melted and fell out

4. Jane screamed from Ocala to Savannah and it may have made me go blind & deaf--hard to blog under such circumstances

5. I started re-reading The Magicians Nephew--the first book in the Chronicles of Narnia series--and truth be told I'd rather be curled up in bed reading instead of blogging

6. I got new jammies and they are comfy & I need to go put them on

7. I ate floppy frozen pizza for dinner & my stomach is not doing so well

8. The internet where we are staying is SSSSSSSSSSSLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW

9. I'm feeling uncreative, unwitty, unintelligent and un...hmmm just ran out of un words

10. My fingers have been all flinchy spasmy all day and it feels weird to type

PS...just call me a bloggy-brown-noser-can't-let-it go-perfectionist from here on out

10 Favorite Literary Characters (That I Would Want To Be) {Day 6}

2010-10-06T05:42:00.000-07:00

*I could pick 10 hundred more *

1. Elizabeth Bennett of Pride & Prejudice (Jane Austen)

2. Huckleberry Finn of Huckleberry Finn (Mark Twain)

3. Anne Shirley of Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery...AKA Lucy Maude)

4. Jane Eyre of Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)

5. Charlie Bucket of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Roald Dahl)

6. Harry James Potter of Harry Potter (J.K. Rowling)

7. Elinor Dashwood of Sense & Sensibility (Jane Austen)

8. Laura Ingalls of Little House on the Prairie (Laura Ingalls Wilder)

9. Lucy of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe (C.S. Lewis)

10. Jo March of Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)

*What are some of your favorites?*

10 Things In My Life I Wish I Was Better At {Day 5}

2010-10-05T19:03:00.001-07:00

*And am working on*

1. Praying without ceasing

2. Being brave when it comes to making new friends & putting myself out there with people that I don't know

3. Following through with laundry. I'm great at starting a load. Not so bad about putting said load into the dryer. Very bad at folding clothes. Terribly hideously bad at getting said clothes into drawers.

4. Memorizing Scripture.

5. Photography. I think I'm a decent amateur. But I would really love to really learn photography. I want to know what all the buttons on my camera mean & how to make them work really well.

6. Speaking only words that bring life to people. I tend to be overly critical (especially towards my husband). Constantly praying for God to "put a guard over my mouth".

7. Painting (not walls, but on canvas). I love to paint--I find it very therapeutic. However, I am really good at painting backgrounds. Then I stare at my canvas for hours. Then I write a word on it. I cannot for the life of me paint an object on my canvas! Cracks me up every time. My friend Erin & I joke that we are going to open a business where we sell background-painted canvases that other people can paint their objects on. Oh goodness.

8. Walking without tripping.

9. Making pancakes...mine always taste so blah

10. Having good posture.

10 Pictures I'm Loving Right Now {Day 4}

2010-10-04T10:50:00.000-07:00

1. Dress up fun...caught on my cell phone

2. Ava as a flower girl in my friend Diana's wedding...such a beautiful shot! *Photo by Sandra Yu

3. A peaceful moment captured in my home while the girls were sleeping. I love the lighting in this shot

4. Ava with her cousin Isaac...just about the sweetest moment I've ever captured on camera!

5. My man and I at Diana & Jake's wedding. They had a photo booth set up with props...so fun!

6. Jane lip syncing in her fancy clothes a la Diana Ross

7. Ava playing the piano at our family photo shoot. *Photo by Ben Hewitt

8. Sister love

9. Picture of my best friend Erin that I took during a fun little photo shoot in Plant City

10. Ava "getting some last Lola tail" before walking into school for her first day. Reminds me that she is still a little bit little :)

10 Snacks I Love {Day 3}

2010-10-03T20:16:00.000-07:00

1. Tzatziki with tortilla chips

2. Apple with peanut butter

3. Wasa toast w/ cream cheese, dill & sea salt

4. Dark chocolate chips

5. Chips & fresh salsa

6. Cutie brand tangerines

7. Chobani Greek yogurt (especially the pineapple kind!)

8. Cascadian Farms Granola cereal

9. Celery with peanut butter

10. Cape Cod reduced fat potato chips

PS...I'm now officially starving

10 Reasons Why I Loved Today {Day 2}

2010-10-02T19:01:00.000-07:00

1. My Nashville friend Mel(anie) was in town & we got to spend the whole day together.

2. I got to take a shower.

3. We ate (Wright's Deli) chocolate cake for breakfast.

4. I got to browse through Ikea but I didn't spend a dime. Yay self-control!

5. I got to introduce Mel to Gilmore Girls (we got us a Gilmore virgin!) Had to throw in that reference for all you GG fans out there :)

6. I got to see my Grandma for the first time since May (she's been in Michigan all summer)

7. We had a dinner picnic and watched Elf

8. I ate an egg roll

9. The temperature dropped below 90. To 89.

10. Good conversations about times past and dreams for the future.

10 Reasons Why I Stopped Blogging For A Month {Day 1}

2010-10-01T19:00:00.000-07:00

1. I fell into the black hole that is my laundry pile.

2. The dog ate my computer.

3. I was too busy writing the next great American novel.

4. I was sunbathing in the French Rivera.

5. I took a month long nap & just woke up.

6. My kids made my brain turn to oozy mush & I forgot about my blog.

7. I turned into Martha Stewart and I've been too busy making my house look like a fall wonderland.

8. Termites ate my fingers and I couldn't type.

9. I jumped inside my television and went to visit the town of Stars Hollow for a month.

10. I just didn't feel like it.

{ten}

2010-10-01T18:48:00.000-07:00

So. I forgot to blog. Sorry about that. Life got busy. I became wordless. The blog stood still for a month. But I'm back now. So hi!

I was inspired on another blog I read to do a little writer's challenge in the month of October. I'm going to tweak it quite a bit, so here is my interpretation:

October = the 10th month of the year.

so in honor of the number 10, I will be spending the next 31 days of October making top ten lists. I love lists. I love lists that have 10 things on them. I don't know why. It just seems complete when there are 10 things on a list. And that ole David Letterman really made us fall in love with top ten lists too. so it just seems right. I'm hoping I can keep this up. we shall see :) some lists will be silly. some will be nostalgic. some will be desperate. some will be serious. so here goes nothing--cheers to ten!

We're HOME!!

2010-08-29T13:36:00.000-07:00

So glad to be HOME! But man, am I tired! How tired you ask? Well, I just went to switch a load of laundry over to the dryer and guess what I found. A diaper. In a mesh bag. So apparently, I changed Jane's wet (praise the Lord it wasn't dirty!!) diaper, walked it to the washing machine, zipped it into a bag & put it into the machine. So....that my friends is just how tired I am :) I'll check in in a few days after we've had some time to recover! Thanks for praying for Jane--she is doing really great!

Saturday Jane Update

2010-08-28T15:37:00.000-07:00

Hi friends! I'm sorry it took so long for me to update--we've been fully consumed with Jane while she is awake, and trying to rest while she is asleep. Baby girl is doing great! She has started sitting up & moving all around her crib. Her bowels "woke up" as they like to call it, so she was able to start a liquid diet today. If all goes well with food tomorrow then we should be headed home Monday. We are exhausted, but really enjoying this one-on-one time with Jane. She is such a sweetie, and has endeared all the nurses to her. She loves to ride in the hospital stroller through the halls saying hi to everyone :) Our next big hurdle is trying food tomorrow, so please be praying that she tolerates that well! We appreciate your prayers, calls, visits & encouragement so much. We've had a really good experience here & are so thankful that she has been given the very best care. Hugs to you all...thanks for loving our family!

(Jane sitting up for the first time since surgery)

Update on Jane

2010-08-25T13:44:00.000-07:00

Hey friends!
Thank you so much for praying today...I appreciate all your support so much. We just talked to the surgeon. Jane is out of surgery & doing ok. They had to remove the entire bile duct and her gallbladder, as he said the entire area was extremely inflamed and diseased. He said everything went well, and she should make a full recovery. She is in recovery now, so we haven't gotten a chance to see her yet. We should be able to go back in the next hour. Please pray for her to be comfortable (as much as possible at least!) and pain free. Another possible complication that we ask you to pray for is for her stomach to not become distended. If this happened she would probably start vomiting & her stomach would swell. At that point they would have to put tubes down her nose to drain her stomach. He said that it is pretty painful & they hate doing it to babies. Can you please pray that this doesn't even become any issue? Also, poor baby will not be able to have food or drink for the next 3 or 4 days (only IV) and I know that is not going to make her happy. After she starts eating we will have to be here for another day or 2. So there is a very high possibility that we will have to be here longer than planned. Thank you so much for your prayers. Matt & I are doing well--just pretty drained & tired. Ready to see our baby girl! I will update after we get settled in our room and are able to watch Jane for awhile. Love to all of you!

Rachel <><

PS...Writing very fast, so please excuse unclarity or mistakes!

Jane's Big Surgery is Next Week

2010-08-19T18:59:00.000-07:00

Just in case you're not on my email list, I wanted to let you know what's going on with Jane's surgery next week. I've included some prayer requests too. Thanks for praying for our family!

Hi friends & family!
I wanted to write to ask you to be in prayer for our Jane Leilet as she goes into surgery next Wednesday, August 25. As you probably remember, when we received the referral of our daughter in Ethiopia, we knew that she was very sick and (what we thought at the time) was in need of a liver transplant. However after lots more testing--both in Ethiopia and here in the US--it was concluded that she didn't need a transplant, but she does have a very large cyst that needs to be removed. The cyst is called a choledochal cyst and it is attached to her biliary duct. Because it is so large and is attached to many things in her abdomen, they will be removing the cyst, as well as her gallbladder and her entire biliary system. They are going to reroute her biliary duct directly from the liver into her intestines. The surgery will take about 4 hours, and while the doctor said that it is routine, he also let us know that it carries a risk because they will be working so close to the liver. Jane will have a very large scar across her abdomen, but at the end of her recovery, she should be just fine and have no further complications in her life from this cyst. Once it is out, the problem is gone. We will be at the hospital for at least 5 days, and then we will have to keep her in bed for about a week after returning home (yeah right!! She is the busiest 21 month old I've ever met!!) We would so greatly appreciate your prayers as we prepare for this surgery. Here are some specific ways you can pray if you feel so lead:

1. Please pray for a smooth surgery--no complications, no issues--and a smooth recovery

2. Please pray that this surgery will not cause Jane's attachment and bonding to us to falter in any way. This is such a big request to pray for. For the last 7 months that Jane has been home we have been working diligently to build her trust in us. We are praying that her trust in us only grows stronger through this surgery.

3. Please pray for Ava as she will be staying with my parents while we're in the hospital. Kids under 12 are not allowed to visit, so we will have to be away from her for awhile. She is very excited to stay with Grandma & PawPaw, but I know it's going to be tough on all of us to be separated

4. For no further issues to arise as a result of this surgery

Thank you so very much for praying! We will do our best to email you all after the surgery is complete next week to let you know how Jane is doing!

Korah

2010-08-08T19:28:00.000-07:00

"It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish.”
~Mother Teresa

I've realized in recent days that I have not allowed myself to truly process all that I saw and experienced while in Ethiopia to bring my daughter home. For 6 months I have placed all these thoughts on the backburner of my heart, soul & mind because, well to be honest, because it hurts to take it all in. I have really been wrestling lately with how I live my life here in comfortable America, knowing that not everyone lives like me. Most days I feel very torn between wanting to consume more and more stuff and wanting to sell everything I own and move my family to Ethiopia. What a paradox I am.

I would like to introduce you to the land of my daughter Jane Leilet. These are her people. I see so much beauty when I watch this video. So much beauty--in spite of the pain that rips my heart when I watch it. That is what I loved most about Ethiopia. The joy on the faces of people who had nothing. It was a joy that I don't know that I've truly experienced in my life. To be satisfied by Jesus alone. Jesus alone. Would you be satisfied in HIM if you lived like this:

The Village of Korah - A short documentary from Session 7 Media on Vimeo.

Ache (Continued)

2010-08-05T18:41:00.000-07:00

This morning I was up early praying through the thoughts that I laid out in my last post, and I felt compelled to clarify one point. I really should get better at writing a post & then saving it as a draft, re-reading it the next day & THEN posting it. Sometimes I write as I think and so my words and thoughts probably aren't always as clear as I'd like them to be. Add to that that many people who read this blog have never met me in real life, so they don't know my heart completely, so maybe things come across differently than I meant them to be taken.

So my point of clarification:

I said "So much of what we do is meaningless." I was not referring to my duties and responsibilities as a wife and mother. I do not find those things meaningless. In fact, I find great fulfilment in them. I was however referring to all the clutter in my life (things that don't bring God's Kingdom to earth...things of this world) Those things in our life that don't draw anybody closer to Jesus--myself included. I have really been convicted to start weeding out those things in my life that are meaningless. So that is what I meant, for whatever it is worth.

As I was praying this morning, and searching God's Word about this subject of ache & of longing for our permanant home and such I was drawn to this Scripture:

3We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. 4The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. 5But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: 6Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.... 15Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. 17The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. (1 John 2:3-6, 15-17)

Such a good reminder--if I claim that I live in Him then I should be walking as Jesus walked. Can that be said of me? The world & it's desires pass away. I need to always be striving to live more simply.

I was on the blog of another family that we traveled with when we went to Ethiopia to bring Jane home. She had posted a poem that struck me so deeply. It goes so well with this subject that I'm thinking through & definitely had to share it. I pray it stirs your soul like it has done for mine.

DISTURB US
A Prayer by Sir Francis Drake (1540-1596)

Disturb us, Lord,
When we are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord,
to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.
We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.

Ache

2010-08-03T19:45:00.000-07:00

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
--C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Sometimes my soul just aches and I can't really figure out why. I've been in this state for several days now. And I go through seasons in my life where I just get so stuck in this rut of longing & contemplation. I ache for so much more. My dreams feel so big, but sometimes my life feels very small. I struggle a lot with what I am so passionate about (missions, the poor, those in bondage, orphans) and how that lines up with how I live out my days (grocery shopping, making food for my kids, cleaning my house--again). I know that God has called me to be a wife and mom. But I also feel that He has called my family & I to serve the "least of these". Will this ache ever really go away? Probably not--because, until Christ returns, the problem of pain, of sin, of separateness from God will exist in our world. Do you have desires that just can't seem to be fulfilled? Dreams for the Kingdom of God that seem so far away, and yet so real that you could reach out and touch them?

I was talking to my friend Aprile awhile ago & she posed this question to me: "how does a stay at home Mom live a radical life for Jesus?" I have thought about that so much lately. I know that just raising my kids to love Jesus & love people will make me (and them for that matter) radical. But what about the other dreams He has placed in my heart? Will I always ache for their fulfillment, or will I see it one day with my own eyes? Is my job to pass these dreams to my children & watch them live them out? So much to ponder (and if you've been walking with me for any time at all you know that I am most definitely a dreamer, a ponderer, a thinker).

It is so obvious on days like today that I just don't fit in here. I was created for more than this life can offer me. I love my life--don't get me wrong. But until I see Jesus face to face, I will ache for more. He has set eternity into my heart. This world is such a fleeting moment. So much of what we do is meaningless.

Oh Father, please draw my heart to the things that matter most to you--remove any attachments that I hold to this world. Burn away that which does not stir Your heart. Remind me daily that this world is not my home. Make me the agent of change. Thank you for wanting to use an ordinary old girl like me. You are just so worthy.

Haiti Promo Video from Chi Lee on Vimeo.

I Wish I Could Tell Her...

2010-07-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

...that her baby girl is safe.

...that I do not judge her.

...that her sacrifice has changed my life.

...that we call her Jane because it means "our God has been gracious to us"

...that I wonder all the time if Jane girl looks like her.

...that I think she is brave.

...that sometimes when I'm rocking my daughter at bedtime I wind up weeping because sometimes I wonder if I am what is best for her...me and not her.

...that I wish I could look her in the eye and somehow tell her thank you.

...that I pray daily for her salvation so I can spend eternity getting to know the woman that carried and birthed my daughter.

...that I wish I could know more about her so that one day when Jane asks, I could tell her more.

...that I'm doing my best.

...that she is my hero.

My Girls....

2010-07-11T21:14:00.000-07:00

make me smile
make me pull my hair out
make me love Jesus more
make me need Jesus more
love to twirl
keep me laughing
already roll their eyes at me
teach me about grace
love sugar
run around naked (at home of course :)
dance better than me
are created in the image of God Himself
say silly things
fight with each other already
make me sing as loud as I can
have changed me

Meal Planning, Coupons & Grocery Budgets, OH MY!!

2010-07-06T20:11:00.000-07:00

So in an attempt to live more simply & to be better stewards of our money so we have more to give, I have jumped in to the whole couponing/meal planning thing. I am still extremely new at this & really don't fully know what I'm doing yet, but I'm really trying to understand it all! I attended a couponing workshop, ordered my extra Sunday papers, and have started stockpiling my coupons (newspaper & internet). I've run across some good websites/resources that I wanted to share with you really quick that are helping me in all of this! Let me know if you know of other good resources!

Check out this list of free downloads! I'm LOVING all these templates--grocery budget, meal planner, grocery list (you just click the things you need & hit print--SO EASY & FAST!!)

http://www.truecouponing.com/ This may be a local website--not sure, but it is awesome! These 3 ladies go to my church and are godly lovely women. There whole reason for couponing is to buy extra so you can share with those around you...love that!

http://www.tastykitchen.com/ This is the recipe database that the Pioneer Woman (pretty much my favorite blog evah!!) set up--it is amazing & so easy to use. Just type in what you're wanting to cook & it pulls up all these great easy recipes with reviews and detailed instructions. You can also print your recipes or set up a recipe box to save recipes you want to try in the future.

http://www.faithfulprovisions.com/ Like True Couponing, but also has some really great extras on it like free blockbuster rental codes & such

the iSlice cutter...you're going to laugh at me, but this thing is AWESOME!! It makes cutting coupons so much faster & easier. I paid $3 for mine--not sure how much they are on the website, but I would definitely recommend it!

Ok...that's all I can think of for now! Just had to share some of my treasures with you :)

The End {Day 30}

2010-07-05T09:11:00.000-07:00

June 30

I can't believe the end has come. And that I survived this little blog challenge. I'm glad I did this. I'm glad that I followed through on something (by history I'm not so great at that). I feel like I've held a frame up to myself & shown you a bit of who I am. It is hard to be vulnerable sometimes. It is scary to lay yourself out there for people to examine closely. It's not easy, but it seems to almost always be worth it. Don't we all just want to be known? Really truly known? I am so thankful for people in my life who know me. And still love me. But most of all, I am so thankful for a God who knows me intimately. Every tiny everything about me. And He loves me passionately. If you don't yet know this God of mine I urge you, beg you to turn your eyes to Him. He knows and He loves. There is nothing better in all the world than to be known and loved by the God who created you. He loves you passionately....turn your eyes to your Maker....you will never ever in a bajillion years regret it!

So here is how I would like to end this month:

First of all, I would love to hear from you if you've been reading all (or even part of the) month. If you've been reading, will you leave me a comment to let me know? Even if I don't know you. Even if you've been "lurking" on this blog. Trust me--I definitely lurk on blogs. Lots of them. But I would really really love to meet you!!! And if you have a blog I'd love to have a link so I can return the favor :)

Second, a silly question: What blog post this month was your favorite?

Third, a serious question: What is God doing in your life RIGHT NOW. In this very moment? What is He teaching you? What Scripture are you clinging to? I would really love to learn from you as this little challenge comes to an end. I would love to hear your heart!

So happy June to you all--it has been fun for sure! I'm probably going to take a few days off, but I will not disappear again, I promise. I've been reminded of how much I really do enjoy writing and documenting my days. I would urge you to do the same. Maybe not in the same format (although maybe you would enjoy such challenge), but in some way I would encourage you to pick up your pen and start writing down your life. Your kids will thank you one day. And who knows....maybe even some day your words will change the world. Or at least one person. And I think that would make it all really worth it. Hugs to you all....thanks for coming along on this crazy journey! See you soon!

Rachel: The Daydreamer {Day 29}

2010-07-05T08:59:00.001-07:00

June 29
By very nature, I am a daydreamer. I always have been & I probably always will be. I pass my time dreaming away. I love to let my mind wander. I love to dream up crazy stories & situations. When I read a book my mind drifts away & I become a part of the book. When I watch a movie, I imagine what it would be like if I jumped into the story. I dream about what I want my life to look like. I dream about what my kids will become. I dream about heaven. I dream about everything.

So of course the other day my mind wandered away & I started thinking about when I was a high school senior. On the brink of new adventures--what was I dreaming about? I dreamed about Africa. I dreamed about marrying one day. I dreamed about adventures on the mission field. I dreamed about changing the world.

And here I am, 12 years later and I started wondering...

Is my life turning out like I thought it would?

And I ask you the same question...is your life turning out how you thought it would?

In some ways mine has. In other ways, not at all. In some ways it's sweeter. In some ways it is way more difficult. Some dreams were naiive. Some dreams have come true. Some dreams are still lingering. Some have morphed over the years.

So what do you do when life doesn't turn out like you thought it would? And no, that's not a rhetorical question. I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Is your life turning out like you thought it would? Like you dreamed it would? Is that because you stopped dreaming?

This week I've been surrounded by passionate students and it has made me start dreaming again. It is good to be around crazy, passionate, I'm going to change the world!!! students sometimes. It is refreshing. And convicting. And scary.

I don't want to waste my life. I want to live my dreams. I want to dream new ones. I want to die well one day--with no regrets.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on all of this!

8 Years! {Day 28}

2010-07-05T08:41:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to post these last 3 days on time. We got to camp and had zero internet. Here are my last 3 posts!

June 28

Today my man & I are celebrating 8 years of marriage! I can hardly believe it's been 8 years already, and in other ways it feels like he has always been there. We were together for 4 years before that, so we've really been together for 12 years already. Matt is such a good man, a good husband, and a good daddy. He puts up with a lot from me, and I am so grateful for his patience and support. We are hoping to sneak away for a little overnight getaway next week & I can't wait to be able to spend good uninterrupted time with him. Once kids come along it is so hard to stay connected WELL and I am looking forward to spending time just talking and reconnecting again. I praise God for a godly husband...he is a gift to me for sure!

Here are some pictures from our wedding day. We got married right on the brink of digital photography. Our official pictures from that day were taken on film and are in an album. Our photographer has since gone out of business, so I'd love to somehow remove them from the album (w/o ruining them...that will be the hard part!) and get them scanned and put on a cd. These pictures were taken by my Aunt--she was the only person at my camera that even owned a digital camera. They are pretty poor quality, but they are better than nothing for sure! So here they are...some unofficial pics for your viewing pleasure :)

walking down the aisle toward my guy :)

our lovely wedding party

I Do

My sister & I

First Dance (through the eyes of my parents)

Camp :)

2010-06-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

Ok...I was supposed to post this last night, but I forgot. This is Rachel's sister, Emily. Rachel is very concerned about finishing her little blog challenge of blogging every day in June. However, she is at camp this week with Matt and was expecting to have internet access, but she doesn't. So, she wants all of her readers to know that she is still blogging every day, but she won't be able to post until she gets back. :)

My Rock Star Boyfriend (Repost) {Day 27}

2010-06-27T20:14:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I know I've already blogged today but I thought I'd just make you say "wow" by posting one more time tonight :) In my high school post a few days ago I shared my love for Phil Joel. Well, tonight I was looking back at old (like old old) posts & found this little gem that I wrote in August of 2007. I just had to share so you could truly understand my obsession with him! For those of you that have already had to read this once in your life: sorry :) Oh...and this was written when we were still in the El Salvador program with our adoption agency. Still a sweet story even if we didn't get to adopt from there!

My Rock Star Boyfriend

Ok friends. If you have known me for more than 5 minutes you know that I have been in love with Phil Joel (formerly of the Newsboys, although sometimes still with the Newsboys :) for almost half of my life. I'd like to give you a breakdown--a chronological calendar of events--of our relationship. Here you go......(ps: more bullet points for you fans out there!)

1994: Phil Joel joins the Newsboys

1994: I lay eyes on Phil Joel for the first time on tv--actually on the making of the "Shine" video

1995: I see Newsboys for the first time in concert at the USF sundome

1995: Same day. My friends & I stalk down the Newsboys after their set & wait for them at their bus. Yes....I was a 15 year old groupie

1995: Also the same day. I touch Phil Joel's hair and arm. Oh my goodness--it is official. I AM IN LOVE. Love people.

1995: Same beautiful day. I take about 10,000 pictures with Phil Joel before being dragged away by security. PS....I LOVE him.

1995-2002: I attend every Newsboys concert that comes within 5 hours of me. And at each concert I get there hours early to have front row seats. I stand at the stage. I mouth, "I love you Phil Joel" every time he comes near me. I try to touch his shoes. I am IN LOVE people.

2000: My roomate gives me a life-size cardboard cutout of Phil Joel. He lives with me until I get married. When I had roomates he lived in my closet--my secret love. When I lived by myself he stayed with me in my bedroom. However--we remained pure--he slept in the extra bed :)

2000--2004: I buy Phil Joel's solo albums & rock out to them pretty much every time I'm in the car by myself.

2001: I carry my Phil with me to the Festival Con Dios concert. Although being a grown woman, I am peer-pressured by the students in our ministry to leave him in the car. I cry silent tears.

2002: I get married to Matt Setliffe

2002: Matt Setliffe carries Phil Joel to the dumpster & tells me to move on.

2002: I see Phil Joel's wife at a concert. She is blond and beautiful. And being newly married myself I realize that the love affair is over. We will just be friends. And I'm ok with that. I have fallen more in love with Matt Setliffe than I ever was with Phil Joel. Plus Matt Setliffe will kiss me back.

2006: I find out that our best friends, spur58, have just signed to the same record label as Phil Joel. They mock me & say that maybe they'll get me an autograph. I'm still waiting guys.

2006: Christmas time. I get a message from Jamie, and then 3 minutes later get a message from Maris. THEY MET HIM!!!!!!! They were at a label Christmas party and he was there. And THEY TALKED TO HIM!!!!!!! I am insanely jealous. Matt Setliffe tells me to move on.

2007: The other day. I pull out my old Phil Joel cds that I have not listened to in at least a year. (I am trying to move on people....) I open the cd booklet.......and guess what I found???? A song. A song called "El Salvador". He had written it after going there on a mission trip with his wife. I had forgotten all about it. So all day long I listened to my old flame sing a beautiful song about the place of my daughter's birth. The place that is so dear & close to my heart right now. And I love him all over again. But not in a oh my gosh, you are so dang hot & I want to kiss you sort of way. But in a, wow. God is so funny. We really are friends--God has given us a heartbeat for the same place. Now how cool is that???
ps....I still secretly LOVE you Phil Joel :)

Camp! {Day 27)

2010-06-27T19:16:00.000-07:00

My husband is finally home after 10 long (for me) days in Ethiopia. He had an amazing trip & saw over 200 people (mostly Muslim) put their faith in Christ. He has some pretty cool stories & I love hearing them! He got home last night & we're headed out again tomorrow. We're busy busy busy this summer! We're leaving to go to our church's youth camp tomorrow where Matt will be the speaker for our High School ministry. It's such a full circle moment for me--I grew up going to camp with our church, Bell Shoals & now I'm the speaker's wife. Pretty fun to see it all happen! Camp was always such a monumental week in my life every year. God just seems to speak extra loud when you choose to remove yourself from so many other distractions! I'm really looking forward to it, and even though it's going to be tough this year with 2 kids in tow, I know it will still be lots of fun! Plus I'll have like 400 babysitters around me too :)

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Oh, and if there are any psycho killers or stalkers that read this blog--beware--our house will be very well guarded while we are away :)

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On this night, 8 years ago I was laying awake giddy with joy & excitement & anxiousness & nerves. I couldn't sleep b/c the next morning I would be marrying my man--my best friend. Fun memories! I can't wait to spend my anniversary with my love. And 400 teenagers :) Ha ha!

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Goodnight my friends! I will leave you with this video. You've probably already seen it, but just in case, it has to be shared b/c it may just be the funniest thing I've ever ever seen :)

Meeting Jane {Day 26}

2010-06-26T20:26:00.001-07:00

So here it finally is! The moment where Jane was placed in our arms forever. It was a day we will never forget and praise God for bringing it to completion. He is a good & faithful God who moves mountains!

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Ava-isms {Day 25}

2010-06-25T20:24:00.000-07:00

So tonight is one of those nights that if I wasn't in the midst of this little blog challenge I definitely wouldn't blog. I am really running out of things to say! Tonight my best friends & I went out on a very long overdue girl's night out. We had such a fun time. We went to eat at this southern food place called Fred's w/ the most unbelievable buffet you've ever seen. We seriously overate--I had to lay down in the backseat on the way to our movie b/c it hurt to sit up straight :) Anyways, as they were driving me home I asked what they thought I should write about & they said I should share some Ava-isms with you. I have kept a journal since Ava started talking of the sweet & silly things she says. Here are some of my very favorites:

"Daddy is a prince & his name is Charming!" (2 years old)

We were talking about how Jesus was our Rescuer while we were driving & Ava piped up from the back seat & asked, "Does Jesus wear a cape?" (2 years old)

"Is chocolate medicine Mommy?" (2 years old)

I was pouring Ava some water before bed & she started running in circles around the kitchen. When I asked her what she was doing she said, "I'm running really fast so Jane can come home!" (2 years old)

Ava refuses to wear pig tails...she will only wear "tree frog tails" and "zebra tails" (2 years old)

After learning how God changed Saul's name to Paul you told me that Pinnochio (who she called PinnociNO) used to be called Pinnochiyes but God changed his name to Pinnochino (3 years old)

We were listening to the radio & the announcer came on & she asked, "Is that God talking?" (3 years old)

Erin & I were at lunch one day & our waiter was really sleazy and flirty. He kept calling us ladies (imagine it with a sleazy accent). When he walked away Ava said, "Mommy, he sure does like the ladies!" (3 years old)

One Sunday Ava decided she wanted to dress like Thomas the Train. So I dressed her in a blue skirt--b/c you know, he's blue. She looked down at her dress, bewildered & said, "Mommy! Trains don't wear skirts & shoes! They wear paint and wheels!" (3 years old)

Grandma bought her some new sandals & when she tried them on she yelled "Wow! I look like Jesus now!!" (3 years old)

"This popsicle is just so tasteable!" (3 years)

One night we were at the beach w/ all the college students for a worship service. Ava kept playing with the reeds behind us & I told her to stop b/c she was being a distraction. SO she looked up at the sky & said "Jesus, can I keep pulling these reeds out?" Then w/ a very high-pitched squeaky voice (like she was talking FOR Jesus) she said, "Yes Ava--that's ok--it's ok with me". Then she turned to me & said, "See Mommy--Jesus said it was ok!" (3 years old)

To her babysitter: "I think something is wrong with my mouth!" When asked what..."It doesn't want to eat this food!" (3 years old)

She was coloring a picture of the Care Bear, Wish Bear and got really frustrated. Woefully she said "This doesn't look like Wish Bear--it looks like a giant meatball." (3 years old)

While making her lunch she said "Mommy you make everything magic--just like Mary Poppins!" (3 years old)

Last week I put Ava in a fancy dress for church & she kept saying "I am just so beautiful today! Mommy--I'm going to talk very softly today b/c I am just so beautiful!" (4 years old)

"Mommy...baby Shepherd is SO CUTE! He has God's hair!" (4 years old)

What a silly little bug she is! She brings me so much joy I can hardly stand it :)

Rachel: High School Version {Day 24}

2010-06-24T20:27:00.000-07:00

So, just for fun (and b/c it's 11:27 and I have nothing better to say) I would like to introduce you to me--in high school.

There I am--in all my super posed, black feather senior picture goodness. Now...for the goods:

My name was Rachel Briana Murbach way back then
c/o of 1998--yes that was last century thank you very much :)
My favorite band was the Newsboys & I was OBSESSED. I mean psycho obsessed. I knew everything about every band member. And I even touched Phil Joel's hair after stalking them & finding their secret bus hideout. And I thought John Jame's silver suit was the coolest thing I'd ever seen.
My 2 best friends were (and still are!) Aprile & Erin
I drove a 1988 gold Honda civic--stick shift. The engine made a squeaky sound so we made up a story that a hamster named Paco lived under the hood.
I had way too many boyfriends. And I was SO IN LOVE with all of them
I also had an imaginary boyfriend named Alfredo Marinara. He was Latin & very smooth. But when I graduated I broke his heart and allowed my sister to start dating him.
I was on the golf team & actually pretty good at it.
The Gin Blossoms and The Fugees were also some of my favorite bands
I was Secretary of student government my senior year. That's b/c no one was running & my AP Psych teacher told me I should run b/c the odds were really in my favor
The first night that Aprile, Erin & I went out after I got my driver's license was insane. We were sent a note from a crazy guy at the restaurant that said "you make my heart want to explode...signed, the Unibomber"; we almost got flattened by a semi truck that I pulled out in front of & couldn't change gears fast enough; and then we almost got attacked by a truck-full of Mexican men that jumped out of their truck at a stop sign & started running at my car.
I taught a Bible study on Thursday mornings
My favorite class was English
I took Spanish & French
I wore birkenstock sandals and converse all-stars
I also wore bell bottom jeans
my eyebrows looked like squirrel tails taped to my forehead
I surrendered to ministry my Senior year
On the way to school every single morning my sister & I would play a game--whoever saw the time 7:11 and yelled "it's 7:11--that's a store" won the game. Yes we were very strange
I had a crazy sound system in my little car & used to blast rap music until my ears hurt
I was passionate about Jesus--and I let everyone know it
I sat the bench all season long on the basketball team in 9th grade
my high school principal died during my senior year. he was (and still is) one of my hero's & favorite people I've ever known
My favorite class ever was 11th grade English where my teacher challenged me to write more
My least favorite class was anything math related
I always made my lunch and brought it, but always dreamed of eating cafeteria food instead
I was president of the Christian club at my school--Youth Alive
Youth group at church was my favorite place to be..my second home really
I got along with my parents
During the winter my sister & I would listen to Aretha Franklin's RESPECT in the car on the way to school and dance as hard as we could to stay warm b/c my heater didn't work very well
My first kiss happened after the boy said (and no I'm not joking) "my mouth is dry...should we remedy that?" How on earth did I fall for that line? Sick. Makes my stomach turn every time I think about it :)
I ate buttered Ego waffles for breakfast almost every day

Wilderness Continued {Day 23}

2010-06-23T19:29:00.000-07:00

Hey friends! I can't believe there are only 7 days left in June and in my little self-inflicted blog challenge! I have really enjoyed getting back into writing again, but I have to admit--there have been some nights that I had nothing to say and wished that I didn't have to write again. But overall, it has been good for me! I wanted to go back to the wilderness discussion again. To those of you that commented--thank you! Here are my answers:

1. Have you walked through a wilderness season of life? (I"m guessing that's a yes for all of us)
I feel like I have been journeying through the wilderness for about 7 years now. I know that might sound crazy to some people, but it is definitely where I have been. One thing I learned from my Bible Study was that God did not lead the Israelites to a desert--He led them to a wilderness. A desert is lifeless, hopeless, deserted (obviously!), and free of all nourishment. A wilderness however has hills, valleys, oases, life, deserts, lush vegetation. So therefore, I can honestly say that I haven't been in a dry, lifeless desert for 7 years, but I have been in a wilderness--a place where I have journeyed all kinds of terrain, and yet I still have not reached my land of promise.

I see 2 pictures in all of this though. I think there are seasons of life that include wilderness journeys that lead to promised lands. But overall, this life of ours on earth is really one big wilderness, and we will not reach our land of promise (heaven) until we die. The past 7 years have had bright, shining, miracle moments for sure. But there have been a whole lot of mountains to climb. A whole lot of valleys full of the shadow of death. A whole lot of refreshment found at a surprise oasis. A whole lot of dry, desert wandering. I feel like this journey of mine has been long and full of so many different aspects. But the overarching truth is that I am aching for more. I am aching to reach that land of abundance. Not material abundance--I could honestly care less about that. I'm speaking of spiritual abundance. The kind of abundance where you wake up in the morning & you are completely satisfied in Christ alone. I know that part of where I am is just the stage of life that I'm in. I'm no longer a child, I'm no longer a passionate teenager, I'm no longer a questioning-everything 25 year old. I feel like as I'm aging, I'm also evolving--longing to be steady. That is so much of what I crave--steadiness. When pain comes, I steadily trust. When goodness & plenty come--I steadily trust & don't forget about my God. Some days I wonder if I will ever leave this wilderness this side of heaven. I long for it, but sometimes I feel like I will never get there.

2. What do you think is the purpose of the "wilderness season" in the life of a follower of Christ?
I think the purpose is first of all God's glory. I think it is about my sanctification--my becoming more like Christ every day. I think that there are some lessons that can only be learned in the wilderness, and because our Father loves us, He leads us to the wilderness--to the desert so that we can learn. I also think that God is so amazingly tender in the wilderness. Not that He's not elsewhere, but there is just something about His love for me as He leads me through very hard painful times that seems so intimately tender.

3. What do you think when you hear this verse: "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert..." (Hosea 2:14) Is it hard for you to justify a good God leading His people into a desert?
This one is hard for me to swallow. He doesn't just lead--He allures. That is not an easy teaching. But I have come to trust that my God knows what He's doing when He leads me farther into the wilderness. He is good & He is the Discipliner. That is not easy to justify, and yet I know it is truth.

4. What did you personally learn while wandering in the wilderness?
I have learned that I take my eyes off Jesus entirely too easily.
I have learned that He never takes His eyes off of me.
I've learned that He was faithful before, so I can trust Him to be faithful again.
I've learned that He knows my breaking point and will take me right up to it. And then the
next time He pushes the line back even further.
I've learned that His love sustains.
I've learned that He is a holy God and it is not really about me at all.
I've learned that He works all things together for my good.
I've learned that He is enough.

5. For those of you that have crossed over into the land of promise after a season of wilderness....Was the pain/dryness/confusion/uncertainty/etc. worth it in the end? Why did you answer that way?
Can't answer that one yet, but I think I could put my money on the fact that YES it will be worth it.

One amazing thing that He is teaching me is from Exodus 15:22-27. The waters at Marah & Elim.

After journeying for 3 days without any water, the Israelites came upon the waters of Marah. They were so desperately thirsty. They were so relieved. And then they dipped in their cups & took a gulp & had to spit out the water because it was bitter. So they grumbled and complained about it. Sounds familiar, huh? So Moses prayed and God sent him a piece of wood. Moses threw the wood into the water and the water changed from bitter to sweet.

Sometimes in the wilderness we become desperately thirsty. We feel hopeless, forgotten about, scared. And then we see it--the oasis in the distance--refreshment is near. And then we dip in our cup and what we pull out is BITTER. It is not what we expected. It is not refreshing. It does not bring life. So we grumble and complain. But then God.

Oh, then God throws a stick in it and it becomes sweet. Only He has the power and ability to take what is bitter and make it sweet. Only He can bring change to that which disappoints and does not satisfy us. This is really speaking to my life right now. He can take that which tastes so bitter and full of death and make it sweet. I hope that washes over you today!

And then He leads them to Elim--an oasis where there were twelve springs ans seventy palm trees and they camped near the water.

Sometimes God just leads us right to the blessing--and it is abundant. It is FULL of life--full of plenty. Full of hope. And all of this was in the midst of the wilderness.

But I don't know about you--but I think that if I had been there, and God had taken me to Elim first, I wouldn't have been able to understand what a blessing Marah was. Marah HAD to come first. They had to see how God could take bitterness and bring sweetness before they could have a blessing laid in their laps. Marah always has to come first so that our eyes can be opened to our miracle working God--so that we can be truly grateful for what He has done.

I'm sure Elim was amazing--but I don't know that such a powerful lesson was learned there like was learned at Marah.

God please--bring sweetness to that which tastes bitter in my life!

Wilderness {Day 22}

2010-06-22T19:00:00.000-07:00

Hey friends! So my internet router got struck by lightening yesterday and it won't even turn on. So right now I'm bumming a wireless signal from one of my neighbors & it is moving VERY slow! I'm not even sure if this will publish or not, but we shall see. For the record though, just in case, I am writing this at 10:02 pm on Tuesday June 22 :)

So, as I mentioned before, I am going through a Priscilla Shirer study about journey through the wilderness to a land of promise & plenty. I would like to hear your thoughts on this issue. Please comment & let's get a dialogue going! If people participate I'll share a little more tomorrow about what I'm learning. If not, then I'll probably just move on. So here are some questions I have:

1. Have you walked through a wilderness season of life? (I"m guessing that's a yes for all of us)

2. What do you think is the purpose of the "wilderness season" in the life of a follower of Christ?

3. What do you think when you hear this verse: "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert..." (Hosea 2:14) Is it hard for you to justify a good God leading His people into a desert?

4. What did you personally learn while wandering in the wilderness?

5. For those of you that have crossed over into the land of promise after a season of wilderness....
Was the pain/dryness/confusion/uncertainty/etc. worth it in the end? Why did you answer that way?

Ok...so talk amongst yourselves! I really hope this works! Hugs to you all on this Tuesday night!

Heavy {June 21}

2010-06-21T20:15:00.001-07:00

My minutes are ticking away today...I haven't been on the computer all day. You will have to excuse my lack of words tonight. I have several very dear friends who are walking through some very heavy and difficult things. Tonight I just feel the need to sit in the silence of it all and carry the burdens of my friends. Sometimes life is way too hard & God just doesn't make any sense. But we have to trust that He is still good & that He is going to set everything right & bring redemption. We have to pray that He will bring beauty from the ash heap. I am so thankful for my dear friends & I hope you girls know that you are loved & being prayed for tonight.

Happy Father's Day! {Day 20}

2010-06-20T17:49:00.001-07:00

I'm so thankful for the 2 leading men in my life--my husband, who is a wonderful Daddy to our girls, and of course my own Dad!

My Dad & I got saved on the same night--at a Christmas program at church when I was 9 years old. It's been so awesome to watch him grow into such a godly man, a strong leader and a wonderful Bible teacher. I'm so thankful that God chose him to be my Dad! His wisdom & support are invaluable to me!

Having a godly, loving Dad taught me to look for a man who would be the same to my own children one day. I am so thankful that God brought Matt into my life. I have loved watching him father our kids. He loves those girls so much! He is always taking them on dates, dancing with them, tickling them, and fighting to make time for them. I am very proud of the Daddy that he is!

Happy Father's Day ya'll!!

Writings of Old {Day 19}

2010-06-19T19:20:00.000-07:00

I love looking through my old journals from time to time. I've been journaling my prayers pretty regularly since 2000. My journals are one of my greatest treasures & I'm so thankful that I can read back & see God's hand on my life--through the ups & downs. I found this writing that I did long long ago & wanted to share it. I wrote it after studying 2 Samuel 9 about David & Mephibosheth (Scripture below). It is one of my very favorite stories in the Bible & it has deeply affected my own walk with the Lord.

The Beggar
(written February 4, 2002)

Crippled feet carry me down the carpet to Your throne.
Tainted.
Dirty.
Worthless.
Empty.

What a wretched man I am.
Hopeless.
lifeless.
Soul crying from the agony within.
Empty.
Your voice billows from above.
My name.

So full of sin.
Crusted with fear.
Oh feet of mine why do you stagger so?
Crippled from birth.

Tears flow,
mingled with the dirt of my flesh.
Empty.
My clothes hang ragged on my bones.

Weary, oh so weary.
Surely death awaits as I limp toward Your throne.

King.
Majesty.
Enthroned with grace.

Oh how I am drawn to your light.

Fear.
Fear so deep it pricks my soul.
Alone.
So far away.
Empty.

So wretchedly empty.

So I lift up my cup to You.
Oh, do not dispise the cup of a beggar.
Nothing to give.
My breath is all I have.
Yet my trembling hand do I lift.
Empty.

Oh King fill my cup.
Fill the cup of this dirt-crusted beggar.
Just a drop.
The depths of me ache.

Oh just one drop.

Rain.
Flow.
Flood.
Wash over me.

More than enough.
Empty no more.
So full.
So free.
The cup overflows.
A beggar set free.

2 Samuel 9
David and Mephibosheth 1 David asked, "Is there anyone still left of the house of Saul to whom I can show kindness for Jonathan's sake?"
2 Now there was a servant of Saul's household named Ziba. They called him to appear before David, and the king said to him, "Are you Ziba?" "Your servant," he replied.
3 The king asked, "Is there no one still left of the house of Saul to whom I can show God's kindness?" Ziba answered the king, "There is still a son of Jonathan; he is crippled in both feet."
4 "Where is he?" the king asked. Ziba answered, "He is at the house of Makir son of Ammiel in Lo Debar."
5 So King David had him brought from Lo Debar, from the house of Makir son of Ammiel.
6 When Mephibosheth son of Jonathan, the son of Saul, came to David, he bowed down to pay him honor. David said, "Mephibosheth!" "Your servant," he replied.
7 "Don't be afraid," David said to him, "for I will surely show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan. I will restore to you all the land that belonged to your grandfather Saul, and you will always eat at my table."
8 Mephibosheth bowed down and said, "What is your servant, that you should notice a dead dog like me?"
9 Then the king summoned Ziba, Saul's servant, and said to him, "I have given your master's grandson everything that belonged to Saul and his family. 10 You and your sons and your servants are to farm the land for him and bring in the crops, so that your master's grandson may be provided for. And Mephibosheth, grandson of your master, will always eat at my table." (Now Ziba had fifteen sons and twenty servants.)
11 Then Ziba said to the king, "Your servant will do whatever my lord the king commands his servant to do." So Mephibosheth ate at David's [a] table like one of the king's sons.
12 Mephibosheth had a young son named Mica, and all the members of Ziba's household were servants of Mephibosheth. 13 And Mephibosheth lived in Jerusalem, because he always ate at the king's table, and he was crippled in both feet.

Ode to the Gilmore Girls {Day 18}

2010-06-18T18:53:00.000-07:00

By Rachel & Emily (Rachel's super cool party people sister)

Once upon a time when I was crazy preggo
I visited my sister and stayed in her cute little condo.
We were feeling extra lazy so we journeyed to Stars Hollow,
Lorelai and Rory became our friends that we always wanted to follow.

After years and years, the Gilmore Girls were just like friends,
and we cried and we cried when it all came to an end.
Thus, we sat down tonight to write them a POE-m,
full of quippy old memories and we think you may know 'em.

So pull out your coffee cup and take a seat,
we hope that you like it and call it a treat!
Copper Boom, dear friends it's time to get started.
We hope that you don't think that we are retarded.

Season one brought us Chilton, and Rory with Dean,
a kiss on aisle seven, and Paris--the mean.
"I have very important thickening needs",
a thousand yellow daisies, and the deer that hit me.
Rory's two birthdays, and being called Mary,
and Richard's heart attack was ever so scary.
Rory wore an apron and cooked Dean some steak,
we all agreed that marrying Max would have been a mistake.
Luke pined away for Lorelai his friend,
and we all hoped that they would get together in the end.

In season two, rebel Jess stepped off of the bus,
tortured Dean, and caused quite a fuss.
A road trip to Harvard caused by a broken engagement,
ended our hope for a bouquet with a pot roast scent.
A tisket a tasket, Jess bid on her basket,
and Luke tried to stuff everything in Uncle Louie's too-small casket.
The Bracebridge Dinner was an evening with friends,
and the Bjork snowman won first prize in the end.
Rory danced with a fan, hid cd's with Lane Kim,
and of course we all laughed when Paris showed up to practice WPMs.
Viscous Trollop lipstick, shrimp cocktail and cucumber water,
proved Emily could not get along with her daughter.
A bus ride to New York, Sookie got married,
Lorelai got together with Christopher, then he left for stupid Sherry.

In season three our minds got crazy, lazy, hazy from the days of summer,
Rory couldn't chose between the two boys, and that was such a bummer.
Lane rebelled against Mrs. Kim and dyed her hair (twice),
and Dean's public break-up sure wasn't nice.
Luke continued to love Lorelai and even taught her to fish,
and a deep fried turkey was Jackson's Thanksgiving wish.
Jess and Rory--The Early Years--started with a bang,
their first kiss at a gas station--dang!!!
We saw a flashback of Lorelai at sixteen,
and Jess got beaked by swan--how mean!
The Inn caught on fire, Lorelai sleeps over at Luke's
the Poes invade, and Paris and Rory duel and duke.
Prom doesn't happen, but Rory does graduate,
Jess disappears to California and buying the Dragonfly becomes Sookie & Lorelai's fate.

The two Lorelai's arrive at Yale in season four,
they make Luke carry the mattress o're and o're.
Rory is crowned Ice Cream Queen and meets Naked Guy in the hall,
Luke got engaged, married and divorced all in all.
Rory comes home to find "Die Jerk" on her door,
Prais sleeps with an old dude, BLLLLAAAHHHHor.
Lorelai the First passes away,
Emily goes crazy and stays in her pjs all day.
Rory travels to Florida for her first spring break,
and Lorelai starts thinking what a cute couple her and Luke would make.
It ends with a wedding dance, and Dean's marital trouble,
one relationships starts and other...it crumbles.

Season five, we finally see the long awaited kiss,
between Luke and Lorelai, even though Kirk's clothes are amiss.
Rory runs away to Europe after a big mistake leaves us shocked,
Logan enters the picture and Pippi Virgins are mocked.
Rory falls for Logan when she jumps off an apparatus,
joins the Life and Death brigade and yells "In Omnia Paratus!"
Lorelai finally opens the Dragonfly Inn,
Sookie gets pregnant, and Emily and Richard's marriage caves in.
Crazy Taylor opens a museum with mannequins talking,
the Huntzbergers treat Rory badly and send her walking.
Rory finds herself in jail for stealing a yacht,
leaving Lorelai and Rory's relationship shot.
The season seems like it will end, making us mope,
but hearing the words "Will you Marry me Luke?" lets it end with some hope.

Season six--what a mess we find ourselves in,
when mother and daughter can't seem to speak again.
Paul Anka is welcomed, the D.A.R. replaces Yale,
Lorelai plans a wedding but Luke has a secret to tell.
A long lost daughter shows up at Luke's Diner,
feelings are hurt, and on the basketball court, Luke almost gives Logan a shiner.
Martha's Vineyard, plans for Asia, and Lane marries,
Luke drags his feet to the altar--oh why did he tarry?
Lorelai gives her man a strict ultimatum,
but he doesn't respond and it makes her hate him.
She runs off to Christopher's stupid old bed,
and the season ends with us banging our heads.

Season seven--is it really the end?
We're not ready to say goodbye to our friends!
Lorelai runs off to Paris, and marries Rory's dad,
Luke is so hurt, so angry and sad.
Rory graduates Yale, says no to Logan,
gets a job as a reporter writing Obama's political slogans.
A knit-a-thon takes place, Michel's chow puppy dies,
Lorelai and Christopher start fighting, and Lane gives birth to two little guys.
A maze of hay brings clarity to both Lorelai and Rory,
Rory goes for the NY Times and Lorelai decides to continue her Luke story.
Luke proves his love by sewing tarps into the wee hours of the night,
and when he kisses Lorelai at the end--finally everything is made right.

We weren't ready to say Bon Voyage to our friends,
but alas, we suppose, every good thing must come to an end.
So farewell Gilmore Girls, it sure has been fun
we wrote this silly poem for you...but now we are done.

Meet My Nephew {Day 17}

2010-06-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

Tonight I'd like to introduce you to my sweetie pie little nephew Isaac. My sister is the most amazing Mommy already. All her life she has wanted nothing more than to be a Mommy. After a very long & difficult journey through infertility, Emily finally got to hold her baby boy for the first time on March 25. I'm loving watching her as a Mommy because to her, every day is a gift. She is so refreshing to be around because nothing she does is a burden. She is so very very thankful to have a child, that every part (easy & hard) is a blessing. I'm so proud of her...she is doing an amazing job! Isaac is such a sweet tiny little thing & I am so smitten by him. His smile just lights up your heart. I'm so thankful for God's gift to my sister & her husband, and I'm thankful that we get to share in that as his family! Now...for the sweetest pictures ever! Pictures by Emily's friends MaryBeth & Chen Wang (www.sweetlighting.com)

Interview With Ava {Day 16}

2010-06-16T12:06:00.000-07:00

Interview with my Ava Bug (4 years old)

1. What do you want to be when you grow up? A teenager

2. Anything else too? A firewoman....b/c girls can be firemen too

3. If you could go on a trip anywhere in the whole world where would you go? India

4. What's your favorite kind of candy? Gummy bears & worms

5. Do you like being a big sister? yes

6. Why? Because Jane always always gets in to stuff but I still love her

7. What's your favorite game to play? princess checkers

8. What do you think about God? I love Him and He is nice, and He always talks to every people.

9. What country do you want to go to when you grow up? Ethiopia & India

10. Why? Because I want to stop the people fighting & I want them to be nice to eachother. And I want to pray for them to do prayers every night

11. Can you tell me a funny story? Once upon a time there was a little girl who liked to eat kitties. Ha ha ha.

12. If you had one super power what would it be? It would be sky (?? never heard of that one!)

13. What do you think when I tell you that Jesus loves you? It makes me feel happy

14. What are your favorite things to do? Play checkers, play candy land, and pet shop

15. What food do you think is yucky? fish

16. Can you tell me what heaven is like? It's white, and has a bathroom and very beautiful

17.If you could be any animal what would you be. Why? A kitty, dog, bird, monkey, mouse, bat. Cause I like to.

18. What's your favorite princess? all of them

19. Why does Daddy have to go on far away trips? Because he has to tell the people to stop being mean to Jesus. And that God loves them.

20. What's your favorite Bible verse? Deuteronomy 6:5...Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.

Anything else to say? Pray for the Bible verses to go every place.

Breakthrough {Day 15}

2010-06-15T19:43:00.000-07:00

Friends,
I just wanted to thank you for all your support yesterday. There were several comments & I received several emails too. Thank you so much for walking with me on this very difficult road. Just wanted to share that tonight Jane & I had a little breakthrough & I know it was a direct result of your praying. We had some good play & singing time before bed & then while I was rocking her she actually looked at me for the very first time in 6 months. Usually she looks past me or darts her eyes all around, avoiding eye contact with me. But tonight, she looked at me the whole time. I know that may seem small or even unimportant, but to me it was huge. Then she fell asleep on her own (also for the first time). I still had to stay in the room/right outside her door, but she put herself to sleep. I'm so thankful for some breakthrough. I'm so thankful for your prayers. Please--if you didn't comment on yesterday's post & have any ideas or books, etc about aggression in adopted kids, I would still LOVE to hear from you!

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On a completely different note...

World, I'd like you to meet my new shoes. World, shoes. Shoes...world. Say hello :)

If ever it was possible to be in love with a pair of shoes, it has happened for me :) These were a Mother's Day present to myself. Love, love, love a happy little burst of yellow on a summer day!

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And also, for your viewing pleasure....Wonder Woman & her trusty sidekick Dorothy Flower Head.

ps...pictures taken on my phone...sorry for the poor quality!

I Need Your Help {Day 14}

2010-06-14T19:00:00.001-07:00

Today was a rough day. Well, this week has been a rough week--backed up by a rough month. Ever since we moved into our new home, Jane has gone backwards in issues that I thought we had sort of worked through with her. She seems to be getting worse in lots of areas, and it is causing extreme discouragement & frustration in me. The main issue that we are dealing with in Jane is aggression. She hits, bites, claws, screams, throws things, and rips her hair and mine, out all day long. But here is the thing--she really only does these things to/with me. When I change her diaper she hits me. When I'm feeding her she hits me. When I think she's coming in for a kiss, she bites me instead. I am really struggling with this & wondering if it will ever improve. Jane has been like this since we brought her home, but the aggression just seems to get worse each day.

Adoptive Moms (and any other Mom who has dealt with this) do you have any advice? Any books you've read about this subject? Any words of wisdom or encouragement? I can't even begin to explain how much it is hurting my heart to have a child that beats me up all day long. I am covered in bruises and my body aches from all the ways she tries to attack me. I know that it is not personal. I know she is dealing with grief, abandonment, confusion, etc. But how can I help her heal in this area? What can I be doing to help her move on and forward from this spot. As you can imagine, this is definitely not helping our bonding & attachment to each other. Please, if you have walked through this, can you offer me some advice? Thanks friends!

And of course, can you pray for me? Tonight (after an extremely difficult, highly aggressive day), I was trying to put it all aside. I leaned in to kiss Jane goodnight as Matt was putting her to bed. I tried to kiss her & she ripped a fistful of my hair out. The tears--that were already very close to the surface--started flowing & I just felt so discouraged. Please keep me in your prayers as we seek God's wisdom on how to love, care for and help our daughter heal. Hugs to you all :)

Listmaking And Such {Day 13}

2010-06-13T18:59:00.000-07:00

Things I'm Loving at the Moment:

lemon scented anything (lip gloss, candles, lotion, cleaning products, lemons)
this picture of my girls

Jane's curly hair
swagbucks.com (in 3 years I may be eligible for a $20 target gift card :)
my unpacked, clean bedroom--a rarity in this house
Ava wearing goggles:

daydreaming
grey & yellow together
canada dry green tea ginger ale w/ antioxidants
painted finger nails
the movie Leap Year
Ava's silly stories
the view from my kitchen sink in the early evening when the light comes through the trees
spending Sundays with my whole family
texting with long-time friends
my faux wood floors in my new house
belly laughs from Jane
reading James over & over
painting & distressing frames
Chobani greek yogurt
lunch with friends
early morning time with Jesus when everything is still & quiet in my house
my black lacey shirt from Forever 21
spending time with my sister--being Mommies together :)
taking a month off facebook and having more time with my husband
spending time with the college girls at our church
German chocolates from my Dad
dreams of the mission field
cherries
falling in love with India from afar
watching my parents be grandparents to my kids
So You Think You Can Dance
our new annual aquarium pass
walking through life with my 2 best friends
this little blog challenge
dreams of going to Universal Studios to see the new Harry Potter World (!!!!!)
dancing with my girls

Things I'm Not Loving So Much At the Moment:

the heat in Florida
cheesy lawyer commercials
everything breaking in my new house
headaches
grumpy children
school's out for the summer
not getting to go with Matt to Ethiopia and China this summer
shorts
dead floating beetles in the swimming pool
not being able to eat greek food every day of my life
cat hair on my favorite lacey shirt from Forever 21
that all my candles died in the same week & I'm left with a house that doesn't smell as lovely
living far away from lots of my closest friends
my $2 walmart flipflops that rub my feet the wrong way
not having much time to read anymore
my cat

Almost halfway through the month!

Ethiopia Video Travel Log Continued {Day 12}

2010-06-12T19:50:00.000-07:00

Here are 3 more videos...these ones are pretty personal to me, but I'm going to share them with you. These videos are on Monday morning of our trip--the day that we met Jane. I wanted to document what we were thinking and feeling, so we "interviewed" each other. They lead up to us meeting Jane--so stay tuned for more videos over the next few weeks! Thanks for still walking with me on this little blogging challenge!

PS...this is taking FOREVER to process...hoping it publishes!

Summer Ideas for Kids {Day 11}

2010-06-11T11:40:00.000-07:00

I've really been wanting to make a summer calendar with fun things to do with the girls so that we all don't go crazy with nothing to do. However, my energy has been so lacking lately, and I just haven't gotten around to it. Thankfully my friend Virginia posted a link to a super-Mom who has already done all the work!! This Mom has created a daily calendar for June-August with a special activity to do with your kids every day. It is really pretty amazing! You can go to her blog and download the summer calendar. (Sometimes links don't work on my blog, so just in case that didn't work, you can go here: http://www.fistfulofcoupons.com/index.php/2010/06/01/organizing-summer-fun-ideas/ )
She has also posted a link to google docs where she has written out all the recipes, science experiments, crafts, etc, for you to just download. I am so excited to have this in my possession & really wanted to share it with you! Some things may be a little too old for my kids, but we can use this for years to come. We can also fill in days with some of our own activities like library story time & trips to the aquarium. So thank you super Mom that I do not know & thank you Virginia for posting this link...you just may have saved my summer from the I'm bored blues!! The calendar starts next week, so we all have time to gather supplies. Her post also has a list of other ideas and links.

What are your plans for keeping your children happy this summer?? I'd love to hear your ideas--especially those of you with young kids!

To Be Known {Day 10}

2010-06-10T19:28:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty wiped out tonight, and don't have much to say, so I thought I would share one of my favorite videos with you...it's a modern depiction of the woman at the well. Pretty awesome...

Blog is acting up {Day 9...again}

2010-06-09T20:18:00.000-07:00

Hey friends :) So you'll have to scroll down on my blog a little ways to get to today's post. I started it on Sunday, but didn't finish it until today, but for some reason it published it as if I wrote it Sunday. Anyways, to get to today's post, keep on scrolling til you get to a post called "Updates All Around" Sorry about the confusion :)

Getting Rid of the Mirror {Day 8}

2010-06-08T20:16:00.001-07:00

This little blog challenge of mine is getting a little more challenging to keep up. But I'm pretty determined to keep going so here I am.

My best friend Aprile convinced me to sign up for the summer Bible study at our church. I'm not even sure of the name of it, but it's by Priscilla Shirer and it's about leaving the wilderness and moving into the promised land. I haven't started my workbook yet, but at Bible study today we watched the video. To be honest, I didn't get a ton out of it today. I feel very very familiar with the wilderness--I feel like I've been there for several years now. Walking through my Mom's cancer and waiting & fighting for Jane to come home--that has been my wilderness. And to be perfectly honest, I thought that Jane coming home would solve all of it. I thought that when I carried her off that plane I would be walking into my "promised land". I really thought that I had reached the end of my desert trek and my season of abundance was finally here.

Wrong.

Instead I feel like I've journeyed even farther into the desert. Bringing Jane home has made my life even more confusing & more difficult. I feel like my life is more dry and more complicated. But today God got my attention.

At the end of Bible study, our instructor (who is a mentor of mine) gave us all some time to pray and surrender our wilderness. And that's when God spoke to me.

Rachel...you have been walking through the wilderness with a mirror held right up to your own face. All you can see right now is yourself--your difficulty, your confusion, your frustration--you are missing it. No wonder you're stumbling. No wonder you keep walking in circles. No wonder you keep falling down. You can't see me anymore. All you are looking at is yourself. Remove the mirror from in front of your face. Look up child and see me--see my glory as a pillar of fire that you can follow. I will lead you out of the wilderness in my time and on my road. But you have to get rid of the mirror. Take your eyes off of yourself and follow me. Trust me. Trust me.

I'm thankful for a God that loves me enough to discipline. To love me enough to make me get over myself. He is so gracious to me.

(Man...I'm not sure I like all this vulnerability, but it sure has been good for my soul....)

Ethiopia Video Travel Log {Day 7}

2010-06-07T18:02:00.000-07:00

Ok friends...it is only 9:00 and I'm off to bed b/c I am so exhausted & had a very long & draining day with my kids. So since I don't have much to say, I'm going to start a series tonight of some of the videos from our trip to Ethiopia to get Jane. The 4 tonight are not very exciting, but it will be the beginning of some more exciting ones (like meeting Jane for the first time!) So here they are...the beginning of our journey....

See..told you--not super exciting, but all the same, part of our journey that I want to remember :) Stay tuned sometime this month to see more of our travel video log! Night night friends!!

Authenticity {Day 6}

2010-06-06T19:58:00.000-07:00

I started a different post a few hours ago, but after a phone conversation with a very dear friend of mine I have decided to go another direction tonight. The older I get & the longer I'm a Christ follower, the more and more I long to be an authentic person. I don't know why this is something that Christians struggle with so much. Why is it so hard for us to admit that we are struggling? Why do we feel such a compulsive need to please people and to present ourselves as better than we really are? What are we (what am I) so afraid of?

I don't have all the answers to these questions but I do know that this has been something that has held a grip on me for many many years. In high school & college I had so much spiritual pride. I was so puffed up & so full of myself. In seminary (and the years following) God has taken me on a journey through a very deep valley where He has confronted some very deep issues in my life that needed to be purged. I feel like I've been in this season of "valley walking" for many years now. Upon bringing Jane home I feel like I have really reached the bottom. This is the hardest season I've ever walked through. So much yuck has risen to the surface in my life. So much of my own sin has been set before my eyes. I feel like God has zippered open my soul and allowed all the pride, fear, anger, bitterness, hurt, and resentment to spill out before me.

Why would Jesus let this happen? Because He wants all of me. And I am in the way of that. So here I am--longing to be genuine--to tell you that I struggle. Life is really hard sometimes. I mess up every single day. Are you with me?

What need would we have for grace if we had it all together though? When I was in college I had no understand of what grace really was; what it felt like to be covered in grace that was so undeserved it made my whole body ache to think of it. Grace was not amazing to me. But now, as I've walked through the valley, as I've been confronted with the depths of my own depravity, grace is the sweetest thing I know. It is grace alone that lets me stand before my Savior. It is grace alone that allows me to be forgiven and cleansed. It is grace alone that allows me to be used by God, even though I am so terribly unworthy.

I hope that you will find this blog to be a safe place to land. I hope that you can let your hair down here. I hope that you can find comfort knowing that we are all in need of rescuing. Friends, let's start peeling back the layers. Let's ask God to strip away all that is fake. Let's strive to live in truth. Because really, at the end of the day it is about Jesus. Only Jesus is worthy to be praised. I am not worthy of that. I don't want to rob Him of that. Let us exalt our King & His kingdom. Jesus--remove all that stands against you in my life so that I can be an empty vessel that you can use in whatever way you want. And let me be authentic....God I am longing to live a life laid bare.

Blessings friends...I appreciate you so very much.

Tis So Sweet from First Hattiesburg on Vimeo.

Updates All Around {Day 9}

2010-06-06T18:14:00.000-07:00

Ok...first of all...did you know that Betty Crocker Butter White Cake mix actually uses butter? I was just so blown away by that! I thought for sure it was just artificial butter flavor added to the mix or something. But no! Instead of oil you use butter. Amazing I tell you.

Now that we have that out of the way, we can get on to the other things :)

I figured that since I abandoned this blog for almost 6 whole months I ought to update you a bit on my little family since I kind of left you hanging. Ok, so grab some tea and let's get started. (FYI: I am going to do this update by age. Because that way I get to go first. What? There should be some perks to being the old geezer around here!)

Rachel:

That would be me. Apart from the obvious, wife, mother, housecleaner (sometimes) responsibilities that I have, hmmm......let me think about this. Oh wait, yes that's pretty much all consuming. There is not much more I'm afraid to say :) I did lead a college girls Bible study at my house again this semester & loved every minute I spent with those girls. They bring me so much joy & I am so thankful for their presence in my life. I turned the big 3-0 this year and that was a little wild. I still see myself as a 22 year old, but I guess it's time to move on from that. I've been reading Jane Austen (again) and fallen in love with her writing (again). Sometimes I think I should have been born in the 1800s....love that era! I also somehow sustained trauma to my side and have inflammation in my ribcage. Very random. And in the words of my best friend Aprile--"you know you're too busy when you sustain trauma to your body and you don't even remember it happening". Very wise woman she is! Too too funny! I've loved decorating our new home & have painted something (picture frame, canvas, candlestick, etc...) almost every day. I love painting very very much. Ok...I think that's about it for me. I'm sure there's more b/c that sounds a little lame, but there it is. Oh, and I'm reading Radical by David Platt & I think you should read it too. Oh, and I'm praying that God will let me go to India one day soon. (And maybe adopt from there one day.)

Matt:

Matt is still loving his 2 jobs. He is still working for Innovative Mission Opportunities (http://www.imoi.org/) leading teams of students on mission journeys into the 10-40 window. I love that he gets to do this & I long for the day that I can be more involved. He went to Ethiopia in March, and is going back in a couple of weeks. He is also going to China this summer and is hoping to maybe go to Kazakstan in the fall. He is also working at our church as the Pastor of College & Young Singles. He LOVES his job & is doing a wonderful job leading our students. I know I'm biased, but I think he is the best College Pastor around--he is incredibly gifted as a speaker/dreamer/mentor & I love watching him live out his calling. He is having to do yardwork again (our rental property had a lawn service) and he is so super duper overjoyed to be mowing the yard again. He has read a thousand books since January, also turned 30, has gotten more addicted to Dr. Pepper than Starbucks (praise the Lord...much cheaper addiction!!) And has been a big help with the girls.

Nanners (AKA the stuffed monkey that I still sleep with):

Just to give you a little history....when I was 7 I needed a favorite toy b/c all the cool kids had favorite toys & I was always subject to peer pressure in such matters. So I lined all my toys up on my bed and after much thought I picked up the yellow Puffalump monkey & said, "you are now my favorite toy. I will love you forever." (I even wrote a book about him in 6th grade comparing him to the Velveteen Rabbit) Nanners turned 23 this year & has been in my bed almost every night for those 23 years. And I'm not ashamed to admit it people. He is very lovable and he supports my back. And sometimes I catch Matt snuggling with it in the morning. But don't tell him I told you that b/c he would get all blushy & then get mad at me & then deny it vehemently. Some day I'll take pictures and show you proof. Anyways, my beloved Nanners (picture below) also sustained trauma. To his leg. I washed him and I think he just gave up hope of surviving the ordeal. His leg ripped right open. He pretty much doesn't have any stuffing anymore either. I don't know where it went...I guess it just disintegrated. Here he is in all his stuffing-less glory, and another picture for you more gory types of his injury:

Oliver (AKA our unwanted cat):

We still have our cat. We wish we didn't. He ran away today and we were all a little happy about it. But then I found him. Stuck under our (turned off) lawn mower outside. Strange cat. Does anybody want him??????

Ava Marie:

Where to start with crazy, silly, adorable, sweet and hilarious Ava. She is such a joy to everyone that meets her. My favorite thing in the last 6 months is the way she talks about God. She has the most tender heart & that girl is grasping some deep theological truths. I never realized how amazing it would be to watch your child fall in love with your Savior. I know I've said it on here before, but God is pursuing my daughter & it is the most beautiful, awe-inspiring experience in parenthood thus far. Ava turned the big FOUR this year and just finished up her first year of preschool. She completely blossomed this year, and is one smart cookie! Her favorite things are dancing, the color pink, helping Mommy cook, doing everything "all by myself!!", art, swimming, singing and using her imagination. She is still addicted to her purple hippo Lola & I think we have a Nanners in the making. She says the funniest things and I'm loving this age so so much. The other night we let Ava sleep in bed with me as a special treat. Matt graciously slept on the couch so we could have some Mommy & Ava time. I thought she was asleep, but all of a sudden she rolled over and asked if we could cuddle--just for 10 minutes Mommy--and then we can go to sleep. Then she whispered in my ear, "I just love you so much Mommy. You're my best friend." Oh my goodness--I've never experienced anything so innocent and sweet. I don't think I will ever ever ever forgot that moment.

Jane Leilet:

Jane is now 19 months old and as of TODAY has been home for 6 months!! It is so hard to believe that she's been here that long already! It is seriously flying by. She has come so far in the last 6 months. Her vocabulary is really starting to blossom and she has the sweetest little voice. Especially when she is keeping it little & not screaming :) Some of her favorite words are: hi, bye, see ya, sorry, happy day, Aduh (Ava), Mama, Dadden (Daddy), poopy, stinky, diaper, and water. I'm so proud of how far she has come in her speech. She is now running everywhere she goes & is into EVERYTHING! She loves to climb (uh oh), swim, and take baths. She also LOVES to eat and will eat anything we put in front of her. Except bread. Crazy child, doesn't she know that bread is one of the 7 wonders of the world? She is super cuddly when she first wakes up and I love that. She is still very aggressive and laughs at the word no. Working on those 2 things. Her laugh is contagious and her smile is radiant. She is a little stinker drama queen, but she is one fun kid. She is like a magnet when we're out--everyone is drawn to her. She says hi to everyone and I feel like she makes people feel special.